Monday, December 16, 2013

Bully

I have this strange moisture leaking from my eyeballs. It started tonight at my therapy appointment, and it's continued off and on all night. Right now, it's sort of a slow, steady stream I can't seem to stop. This phenomenon is so foreign to me that I just don't know what to make of it.

What's that you say? I'm crying? Huh. I guess I DO vaguely remember being able to feel the emotions required to produce tears. These things are slowly starting to come back to me, and getting used to them is WEIRD.

The catalyst for tonight's extended little crying jag was the conversation I had with my therapist, Timmy*, this evening. Over the course of the hour, we wandered our way to my feelings about myself and the way I treat myself on a regular basis. It was an excruciating dissection, but it boils down to this:  I don't like myself very much, and I'm kind of a bully to me.

It was the bully stuff that caught me off guard. I've always had the notion that I don't like me, but I never thought about the way that I berate myself, pick at my biggest weaknesses, and tease myself for my frequent social faux pas as bullying behaviors; I thought of it as normal.

To make this better, I need to stop my inner bully from beating me up all the time. It's going to be difficult, since I give myself SO. MUCH. fodder (inability to get hired anywhere, inability to save my floundering marriage/destroying my marriage, my constant parenting failures, etc., etc.) on a daily basis. It feels like an impossible task.

But I think (hope) I'm up to it, and Timmy is adept at tough love and is good at pushing me (but not in a bullying way). I don't like it, but I need to do it. Sometimes self-improvement sucks.

* I'm calling him Timmy because his real name is something I find slightly ridiculous for a full-grown man who's old enough to be my father. Which is exactly how I feel about an adult going by Timmy.

3 comments:

amanda @ There Are 2 Sides said...

This hits hope with me. I am the same way with myself. Makes me incredibly sad that you are going through this too. I am crying just from reading your post.

Lindsey Thompson said...

Hitting home once again! Just want to give you a word of encouragement and I'll take it to heart for myself too!

Doing My Best said...

I wish we could be as nice, kind, and forgiving towards ourselves as we are to our friends, or even those we don't like very much but are still courteous to! (hugs)