Friday, November 30, 2012

She's here!

It's been a long time coming, but my new baby arrived tonight.

My laptop is here!

I know this sounds ridiculous, but not having a decent computer drove me nuts. It was particularly difficult to get any work done when I was at home. And remember when I justified my laptop purchase by saying B's computer was on its last legs? Well, it decided about three days ago that it wasn't going to turn on any more. So I made a good call on this one (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).

I like the laptop so far, but I'm not so sure about Windows 8. It's...different. I'm sure I'll get used to it, but it's kinda been a pain so far.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my excitement. Hopefully being able to blog from the couch will make me start writing more frequently!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Feeling raw

At lunch today, I learned that a woman I knew peripherally killed herself last week. She had a son who is a senior in high school and the conversation turned - naturally, I think - to how a mother can do that to her kids. One woman couldn't understand how it was possible for a woman to think ending her life was the best thing for her children. I don't think anyone who hasn't been there can really comprehend such utter madness.

Unfortunately, I know exactly how a mother can think and do such things and because it's important to me to be understood, I tried to explain. I tried to explain how your brain gets so twisted that the only thing you can see is how miserable you make everyone around you and how everyone, especially your babies, would be better off if you weren't there any more. I tried to explain that you don't necessarily think you're hurting your kids in the long run, and how that thought makes sense. I tried to explain that the need to get out - of your situation, your brain, your life - can drown out all other thoughts, including those of your children.

I don't think I did a very good job of conveying the agony of a suicidal mind. I mean, it's an agony that can smother all motherly instincts. It must be pretty strong. But she remained skeptical.

I suppose it's good that my friend couldn't wrap her mind around being able to leave your kids through suicide. If people who haven't lived through it understood how "easy" it is in the midst of a serious, deep depression to determine that you're as worthless to your kids as you are to the rest of the world, well, there might be more mothers like the one who sparked this conversation.

I've been doing well lately. I feel like all of my chemical issues are finally balancing out and most of my stressors are now external instead of internal. But today's lunch talk has churned up all the ugly darkness that surrounded and nearly swallowed me not too long ago. These feelings are horrifyingly familiar and seem like they could easily make themselves comfortable in my life again.

But I'm stronger now than I have been in years, and I think I can banish those feelings back to whatever circle of hell they came from and tell them to stay there. And I need to. Because even though my depression has taught me how a mother can kill herself, I've promised myself that I'm never going to be a mother who teaches that heartbreaking lesson to her children.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thanksgiving wrap-up

We had a lovely Thanksgiving around these parts. The boys and I were at my mom's from Wednesday night to this afternoon, and it was wonderful. It's so refreshing to have someone in the house who actually helps out with the children!

We had a delicious dinner on Thursday. It was mostly uneventful (with the exception of my brother's fiancee/girlfriend/baby-mama/whatever leaving in tears for no apparent reason...that's getting to be a tradition!). My sister and I headed to the local Hell-Mart that evening, and were in and out in an hour. It was shocking. I got a couple of gifts for B, a couple of gifts for the boys, and a couple of gifts for me (a steam mop and new sheets. I lead an exciting life). I also caved and bought a new laptop on Thursday. My extra teaching days and anticipated speech income just about equal the price of the laptop, so I was able to justify it to myself. I mean, I haven't had a computer in over a year and B's desktop has got to be on its last legs, so really it was an investment in the family. Yeah. We'll go with that. It should be here by the end of the week and I keep mentally squeeing when I think about it.

Friday and Saturday were spent in our jammies, just hanging out and playing at Grandma's. My niece and nephew came over for awhile both days, so the boys got to play with their cousin and I got plenty of newborn snuggles in. It was heavenly. We were supposed to go to a nearby Christmas parade Friday night, but it got cold and windy and was starting to snow, so Mom and I nixed that. We're not really winter people.

Today was Santa picture day. It's become a post-Thanksgiving tradition and it's generally a disaster. The boys did surprisingly well, though. I think part of it was that my brother's brood (five of them, ranging from 11 years to 1.5 months) weren't there, so it was far less hectic than normal. My dear, sensitive W doesn't deal with hectic very well. We also talked up Santa all weekend and showed him pictures from previous years. We got out our new jammies and tried them on.

Aside about the pajamas. They're a really cute set from Carter's with plaid pants and a reindeer on the shirt, but I can't find a picture anywhere online. I bought them at the local Carter's store, but they aren't on the website. Also, this was the first time I bought W anything without a "T" in the size, and it sort of broke my heart. It also sort of broke my wallet. They were $4 more (after sales; regularly $8 more) than the toddler sizes!

Anyway, we talked about what W wanted to ask Santa for (it ranged from "Halloween!" and "A Christmas tree!" to "Jake an da Neverwand Piwates Bucky toy!") and about standing next to Santa and smiling for a picture. When it was our turn, W walked up to Santa first and Santa grabbed him and put him on his lap. The look on W's face told me he was about to lose it, so I said something about asking for a stool so he could stand next to Santa, and all was right with the world again. The boys were both adorable and smiled (and didn't cry!), and I think we'll actually have a cute picture this year. Yay!

Then we came home this afternoon and it was back to business as usual. I just put the last load of laundry in and need to empty the dishwasher before I can go to bed. But it was a nice long weekend. And only a month to go until Christmas!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

NaBlo' no mo'

Just some randoms...
  • I'm not doing NaBloPoMo this year. I've (mostly) enjoyed doing it the past few years, but couldn't bring myself to commit this year. A big part of this was knowing that I was going to fail. I'm not the most gracious fail-er, so I decided not to set myself up for it.

  • I'm very (very) slowly trying to creep out from my self-imposed quarantine right now. It's hard. Hiding from people is so much easier than interacting with them.

  • Today is one of those days when I wanted to kick B in the nuts more than anything else in the whole wide world. But I refrained. I'm such a good wife.

  • I missed The Blathering this year because I dithered about going too long and it sold out (same with PJs at TJ's, by the way). The Twitter-induced Blathering envy  this weekend was crazy. I want to meet my imaginary friends and have fun, too!

  • I'm pretty sure my children are going to drive me into an early grave. W's current weapon of choice is "Why?" R's is screaming when I don't immediately understand what he's asking/telling me. The joys of motherhood.

  • I think I'm ready to move the boys into the same bedroom. We tried this several months ago and it was an unmitigated disaster. Neither one wanted to sleep, they wouldn't stay in bed, and the lost sleep made for some VERY cranky mornings. Does anyone who's done this before have some tips on making it work?

  • The boys all went to a family reunion sort of thing for B's family today. I had several hours to myself to spend cleaning. I also have tomorrow off for Veteran's Day, and I'm sending the boys to daycare (hey, we're paying for it one way or the other...might as well take advantage!) so I'll have several more hours to clean. It's sad how excited this makes me. My life is super lame.