Friday, August 31, 2012

Better left to fray

Music has really been speaking to me lately. Probably because I've been in a "mood" and my music seems to effect me more deeply when I'm in a mood. It probably also has to do with the fact taht my most listened to playlist right now is call "Blah" and contains what I call my depression music. It's good for listening to when I'm in my bad places.

Digression:  I miss the days of ICQ and AIM and such where you had a profile where you could put poignant song lyrics without explanation and without much fanfare or many people noticing. I feel like I lack a social media outlet for that sort of thing now. (Not that I need it often...just for the occasional emo phase).

Back to the music. One song I've been listening to a lot lately is Seether's "Here and Now."*

There's a line in the song that goes, "So tired of holding on to strings much better left to fray." The album the song comes from is also called Holding on to Strings Better Left to Fray, and it's spoken to me from the first time I saw the title. Because that is how I feel about everything right now. Like I'm desperately holding myself and my life together by grasping at the tattered strings hanging off of my marriage, my finances, my professional life, my sanity. None of it feels salvageable and I keep thinking that it would be better to just...let go. Let the strings fray, the fabric unravel, and the fallout happen.

Ultimately, falling to pieces takes so much less energy than holding it all together. I'm just not sure I have to energy to keep holding on to all the unraveling bits. I think it's time to let the strings fray.

* In fairness to Seether, I should mention that I also love and am inspired (in a good way) by Rise Above This. There is no excuse for that Careless Whisper cover, though.

Bits and blurbs

  • I miss blogging. A lot. But I just can't quite make myself do it lately. Other things I miss that I can't motivate myself to actually tend to:  my friends (real and virtual), my weight from about three months ago, and regular sleep habits.

  • As if you couldn't tell, I've been in a smidge of a funk for the last, oh, six or better weeks. I'm miserable right now, but I'm trying to behave like a human being. It's not working so well.

  • Thanks to Andrea and the last exchange, I have a nice little stash of CDPs in my closet. I have yet to open any, though, because I hate to waste good presents when I know that I'm not going to feel any better after opening them.

  • My "smidge of a funk" has actually been a pretty nasty bout of depression.

  • My stupid accident from a month and a half ago still hasn't been taken care of. I finally have an appointment to get my car fixed next week. I'm currently working on setting up my own rental that I have to pay for upfront. I'm pretty sure the guy who hit me has the only insurance company in the country that makes you handle and pay for your own rental arrangements.

  • Related, none of the rental places are open on Labor Day. Go figure. This will make things slightly more interesting for me.

  • B starts back to class two nights a week next week. I'm looking forward to it because it's less time we'll be spending in close proximity and barely interacting. I'm not looking forward to it because it means I have to fly solo with the kids two nights a week. I despise solo parenting (which is truly unfortunate for me).

  • I went to Cedar Point last weekend. It was the first time I had been in years and it was awesomely fun. The friend I went with knew a guy in one of the shows, so we checked it out. I was in the hot seat, so I had lots of singing and thrusting directed at me. I was smiling and laughing on the outside, but on the inside I was screaming, "I DON'T DO AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" I didn't die of embarrassment or anything, so I'll call it a win. I also didn't wear my boot on this trip and my ankle has not yet forgiven me. But it was worth it.

  • I went to my first consignment sale today. I liked it. I got a bag full of stuff (mostly PJs and mostly for W) for $18. I was pleased.

  • Our weekend is going to be pretty low-key, which I'm looking forward to. I'm getting a massage tomorrow. It will be blissful. W asked the other night to roast marshmallows, so we're going to grill out and have a fire on Sunday night. We might invite some neighbors for the festivities (though I'm assuming normal people already have plans made for that sort of thing). If nothing else, I'll get s'mores out of it.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Mr. R gets baptized

It only took two years, three months, and 12 days, but we finally did it. We unheathenized the baby.

His adorableness is covered by his plethora of boots.
The service was nice, the boys behaved beautifully (with the exception of the time when W got up and decided to use the steps to the alter as a race track), and everything ran smoothly. I felt like I got a lot of judgy looks for my kid being about two years older than your typical baptizee, which I ignored as best I could.

R, for his part, did a great job. B was holding him, and R was fine until it was time to lean him over the font. Then the terror set in. R's little eyes got huge and he grabbed on to B's necktie for dear life. It was hilarious, and I wish I had a picture of his face. But that was the worst of it. He was sweet and pleasant and adorable and decidedly un-two throughout the days' events. (Thank you, Lord!)

The fam, post-service. I'm shocked we were all looking at the same camera at the same time. It's a baptism miracle!
Afterward, everyone went back to my mom's for a little luncheon. We did the standard hot chicken sandwiches, punch, and cake. My SIL was home from Arizona and was super excited about the hot chicken. It's apparently not as much of a thing out west as it is in good ol' NW Ohio.

R has no interest in opening presents.
But never fear! Big brother W is here! "I hep you, Wobby!"
This is his current "cheese!" face. We have a lot of pics like this.
All in all, it was small, low-key, and turned out nicely. It was nice that my SILs were both able to make it. And I feel much better about myself because I rectified a major parental/spiritual shortcoming by getting him baptized.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Is this me?

So, I've been having this horrid thought lately:  what if this is me?

What if the miserable person I've become is really who I am? What if it isn't the depression, isn't the crappy life circumstances, and is just my personality? What if I'm going to be like this forever? What if this is me?

I don't like the person I am now and have been for the past three or so years. I hate this me. I don't want to always be this way. I'd like to think it's temporary, but three years is a long time. And optimism isn't my strong suit.

This thought plagues me, this wondering "what if..."