Still blogging in blurbs

There's still not enough spare brains lying around in my head to put together a series of coherent thoughts, so here are some more (marginally coherent) blurbs.

• This is one of those days that I wish the internet wasn't quite so public so I could rant about a situation at work without worrying about repercussions. As that isn't the case, I'll just say that there are a lot of things coworkers can do to or regarding me that I can ignore, forget, or forgive, but doing something that (at the very least) implies that I'm sneaky, manipulative, a cheater, or a liar is not one of them.
• I finally cleaned off the dining room table tonight. I need R's shot record for tomorrow, and I knew it was buried somewhere in the depths of "Hoarder's" corner, so I had to dig in. It looks so good now that I almost wish I had taken a before picture for you...but that would have been WAY too embarrassing to post. It was that bad. But it's 99% cleared off now, and it's been dusted. B was so excited (he's been on me to get it cleaned for a long time. Not that Mr. It-took-me-two-years-to-make-enough-space-for-one-vehicle-to-park-in-our-four-car-garage has a lot a room to talk, but I digress).
• While cleaning on and around the table, I think I found the spot where our resident mouse (that we haven't been able to catch yet) likes to hang out. There were a bunch of what appeared to be mouse turds underneath the radiator behind the table. Gross.
• Sometimes, I think I could become a recreational pain pill user, if I had the opportunity.
• Yesterday, the ENT told us that W needs to have surgery. His right ear tube fell out a few weeks ago (after being in for two years), and he's all ready had two infections. His hearing test didn't turn out very well, and he had a ton of fluid in that ear, so he needs to be re-tubed. The left tube is still in place, but the doc said it's starting to get a little build up around it, so they'll replace that one while he's under. The doctor also wants to remove his adenoids. Apparently they're made of lymph tissue and can develop something of a nasty, bacteria-filled bio-film, which causes ear problems because they're so close to the Eustachian tubes. He'll have to see them to be sure, but he thinks W's probably need to come out. It's also a minor procedure, but he has to get an IV and be intubated, which they don't have to do for ear tubes. Luckily, adenoid removal (like ear tube placement) is mostly painless, and W will be back to his normal self by the end of surgery day. My biggest concern is keeping him from eating or drinking that morning. He will not be a happy camper.
• Do you write "already" or "all ready"? There seems to be a split of authority, but "all ready" is slightly more widely preferred. I always wrote "already," but when I learned that it wasn't correct, I switched. It's still awkward for me to write, and half the time I forget.
• Speaking of grammar (NERD ALERT!), I won a subscription to Grammarly from The Never-True Tales, and I am far, far more excited about this than any normal person should be. I'm geeked to start running my work decisions through it to see what I can do to make them better.
• I totally should have been a copy editor. Or a language-usage guide writer (I'm coveting a copy of Garner's Modern American Usage, and also think writing/compiling that would be absolutely fascinating).
• A sort-of-maybe-down-the-road side-work-type opportunity was presented to me today. I think it would be a fabulous gig, but I'm not sure the restrictions imposed on me by virtue of my current job would allow for it to happen. We'll see.
• I'm signed up to "guest lecture" (aka substitute teach) for a college class twice all ready this semester. Also super geeked about this because I really, really want to get into college-level teaching. I've had a small taste, and I liked it.
• I also want to go back and get another degree sometime soon. A Ph.D. in something. LLMs hold no interest for me (nor do their subject matters).
• I signed up for the current CDP exchange hosted by the lovely and wonderful Doing My Best. I probably shouldn't have, but it was just so much fun last time! I sent a box to Tara (which probably contained far too much junk food/candy for someone who's doing a Paleo diet challenge right now...whoops!), and got one from a lovely woman in the UK. International mail! I think it was my first time, and I found it far more exciting than I should have (even though customs opened and rifled through it).
• If you've never sent a CDP, you should. They're so fun to shop for, and I love the warm fuzzies I get from knowing that I've (hopefully) brightened someone's crappy day. I'm thinking about doing small boxes for some real life friends because I love giving them so much. I also throughly enjoy receiving them. I never knew how well a present could turn your day around until I started working my way through my first CDP box.
• I'm still working on my 101 Things list. I need about 10 more. (I apparently lied in my last post mentioning this list because I said I was 10 things short a week or more ago. I was more like 20 short then. Not that you care.) Any suggestions? I'm stuck. I just can't think of anything else, besides lame stuff - like breathing, showering, occasionally shaving my legs. Any help would be appreciated.
• What's worse than a post of blurby bullets? A long post with blurby bullets. I'll stop now. Night all!

Not a happy post

I've been meaning to write since about Tuesday of this week, and my intent was to write about something happy. I, uh, haven't really been able to come up with anything happy to write about, though, so I just haven't written. I don't have enough brain power to write anything good tonight (and my butt hurts, so sitting at the computer isn't working for me), so I'll give you some bullets.

• The silver lining of my weight gain is that my awesome red pants that I absolutely love (and must have bought during my immediately-post-bar-exam fat period) fit me again. I wore them to work on Tuesday, and they made me smile (this was the only happy thing I came up with this week).
• It's been six whole days since either boy has had a fever! This is something of  record around here right now (ok, more happy...I'm doing better at this than I thought I would).
• My dryer isn't dead. It wouldn't turn on the other day, and B discovered that the cord had burnt up due to a wiring problem. He replaced the cord and wiring today, and the dryer works! Never mind that he mentioned to me that he noticed when we got the dryer (a couple of months after moving in, so about two years ago) that there was something not quite right with the wiring, but he didn't bother to check it out. He's lucky the only casualty there was the dryer cord burning up, and not, like, our entire house going down in flames. I was livid when he told me that. But! All's well that ends well, right?
• The boys go to the ENT on Tuesday, and I'm a bit concerned that he's going to tell me W needs to have his right ear tube replaced. The tube fell out maybe a month ago (I could look it up, but I don't feel like it), and he's had two infections since then. The one that happened right when the tube fell out and was NASTY, and the one this week that we caught at the beginning. The fact that he got an ear infection the second that one of his tubes shifted out of place made me a little wary about him needing another surgery, and this second infection has confirmed that fear. I guess we'll see on Tuesday after his hearing test and check up.
• The boys' behavior has gone to absolute shit over the past couple of weeks. I don't know what happened, but they're both behaving atrociously, and it's getting to me.
• Along with that, the rage has been strong with me the past couple of weeks. I find myself yelling far more than I should (and it's completely ineffective, which just makes me angrier), and getting pissed about stupid stuff. Hormones. Awesome.
• I'm pretty sure every period since I had R (I think this one is number seven) has gotten progressively more awful. It started with a vengeance this morning, and I'm feeling crappy because of it (on top of feeling crappy in general lately). I've been feeling some random pains and twinges, and I'm really hoping it's not endometriosis coming back/flaring up/whatever. I don't need to deal with that, too.
• Depression (and anxiety, oddly enough) has been kicking my ass for the past couple of weeks. I feel awful, I do nothing, and I'm miserable. My psychiatrist canceled on me last week, and I canceled on my counselor before the psychiatrist canceled because I didn't think I could get a sitter two nights, so I haven't gotten my mental and medical readjustments recently. I think I need both, but it's going to be another week or so.

Ok, that's all. Time to head back to the couch to wallow.

The weighty issue

The angry, itchy red marks covering my midsection when I changed out of my work clothes tonight were the final straw on my heap o' denial. It wasn't the pants that I'm straining to button, or the horrific number on the GYN's scale (it always measures high). It was my tights. My tights that I wore when I was pregnant with far less discomfort than I had from them today.

I'm getting fat.

Fat is a relative term. I'm a fairly average-sized girl. Always have been. Hope I always will be. But the 15 or better pounds I've put on since November-ish are enough to send me into my own personal fat realm. I'm at my heaviest non-pregnant weight ever, and uncomfortably close to my highest pregnancy weight, too.

This isn't regular holiday festivity weight gain. I might fluctuate by a few pounds from Thanksgiving to New Year's, but I don't go up that much. I think the medicine I started in mid-November might be part of the problem, as I don't think I've been eating much more or much worse than normal. And despite my ass limitations, I haven't been terribly more sedentary than normal. But I'm sure those factors aren't helping anything.

SO! Once I get the clear from my orthopedist and wound doctor - I think I see them both next week - I'm going to start doing Couch25K (ugh, running. Barf!). It's on the 101 things list I'm working on and will post when I finally get it done (I'm about 10 short and out of ideas), but I figure I can start working on it now without it really being cheating. I meant to have the list done and posted and activities started by January 1.

I'm also going to try to watch what I eat, but, dude, I'm terrible at that. My goal is reasonable portion sizes, more grazing, more water, and at least a slight reduction in my weekly total consumption of junk food. It's a place to start, right?

I think I'll talk to the crazy doctor about my medicines, too. If I stay on this stuff, I can't keep gaining weight at this rate. We're talking at least 15 pound in about six weeks. Not cool. This is worse than the stuff I was on straight out of the hospital that put on 10 pounds in five weeks. I can't do this.

How original. A weight loss post for the new year. I swear I didn't plan for it to work out this way! I just can't appropriately fit into...an embarrassing amount of my work clothes any more, and I really don't have the cash to go out and buy a fat wardrobe. Losing the pudge is much more difficult, but theoretically costs less money. Right?

My not-so-secret shame

Yesterday, The Bloggess published a post about her depression, anxiety, and self-injury that has pretty much blown up the internet (or at least the corner of the internet where I hang out). The sheer number of tweets, facebook posts, and blog posts I've read about Jenny's story has been staggering. The main point most of these people made is that it's time to end the stigma and shame associated with mental illness.

I don't disagree with that sentiment.

I do, however, have a very difficult time embracing that idea and applying it to me. I know mental illness is a sickness like any other, and "catching" it is largely out of my control. I know this. But it doesn't matter. I'm ashamed of myself for getting PPD. I'm embarrassed by the fight I'm fighting every day of my life. A little part of me dies of humiliation every time I talk to someone or post about my PPD. A little part of me is terrified of how my medical condition affects other people's perceptions of who I am and what I'm capable of.

Now my secret shame isn't so secret anymore. And I'm feeling more mortified than ever.