Monday, April 23, 2012

She's no baker, folks!

Voice Over Man:  On tonight's episode of "Cupcake Catastrophes," we travel to the kitchen of Emily, a poor, misguided mother who's trying to make cute cupcakes for her younger son's second birthday. Let's watch as she learns valuable lessons such as...

Emily:  I really should have spent the extra dollar or two for bigger frosting bags...

Emily:  What do you mean Wal-Mart doesn't sell frosting tips anymore??? Where else am I supposed to get a star tip at 9:00 PM?

Emily:  Wow, when the bag says "Do not fill above this line," it really means it.

Voice Over Man:  Let's watch from the beginning.

Emily:  After R's first birthday disaster, my mommy guilt is strong. Even though I know the kid will never know the difference, I feel like I have to make it up to him in baked goods.

Voice Over Man:  To assuage her guilt, Emily decides R's birthday cupcakes should be more than your standard frosting-slapped-on-a-cupcake cupcakes. They should be something that will awe both the daycare ladies and the people at her business meeting the morning of R's birthday.

Using her minimal cake-decorating knowledge, Emily begins by making the frosting.

Emily:  I wanted to do cute, star-tip swirls on R's cupcakes. It's a simple technique, but makes it look like I put real effort into my baking. I know canned frosting needs to be thickened - I learned that from W's first birthday, so adding some powdered sugar was my first step. I figured I could throw in a little vanilla for some extra flavor.

Where the agony all began.
Emily:  I went with yellow. Pretty much only because I had some of the good yellow food coloring left over from W's second birthday cake. I accidentally added a little bit too much vanilla, which made the flavor a bit...off... Luckily, I learned that a little almond extract can help offset weirdo-vanilla flavor!

Voice Over Man:  It only gets worse from here.

Emily:  I found out late the night before R's birthday that my star tip frosting thingy was MIA. I sent B to the store to buy me a new one, but the only store open and accessible that late no longer sells the tips I needed! Luckily, I had brand new frosting bags with a bottom opening that seemed about the right size to make cute frosting swirls. I didn't really need the fancy grooves!

Voice Over Man:  Oh, yes, she did.

Emily:  The frosting didn't come out of the bag quite as thick as I was hoping, but the coils still looked ok. Sort of...

Voice Over Man:  I believe the good people of Cake Wrecks would call these "poo swirls." Yellow, formula-fed-baby-poo swirls.


Appetizing, amirite?
Emily:  I was surprised at how quickly I managed to frost all of the cupcakes. Other than stopping ever third cupcake to wipe cascades of frosting off the back of my hand (from the overfilled frosting back, naturally), it was a cinch. And I frosted 47 cupcakes in less time than it took B to wrap three birthday presents!

No, that's not Christmas paper...I have no idea what you're talking about.
Voice Over Man:  No one would ever be able to guess you did them so quickly, Em. *Snort*

Emily:  I wasn't entirely pleased with the finished product, but I figure a bunch of 18-month to five-year-old kids won't mind, as long as they're being pumped full of sugar. And I'm hoping the adults at my meeting in the morning are either blind or so under-caffeinated that they don't even notice how hideous the food they're putting in their mouths looks.

If nothing else, this was a learning experience. Hey, maybe next year instead of relying on leftover ideas, supplies, and techniques from his older brother's (unintentionally way better planned and executed) birthdays, I can give R an idea all his own.

And, really, as long as this guy happily smears one of these all over his face tomorrow, the work was all worth it.

Hey, that's why I picked yellow! It's the same color as his boot/lovey!
Voice Over Man:  That's all for tonight's episode of "Cupcake Catastrophes." Join us next week for the hilarity that ensues when Jim tries to make the cupcakes for his daughter's bat mitzvah. Goodnight, and may your cupcakes be ever non-catastrophic.

1 comment:

Doing My Best said...

That was VERY funny =)!