Tuesday, January 3, 2012

My not-so-secret shame

Yesterday, The Bloggess published a post about her depression, anxiety, and self-injury that has pretty much blown up the internet (or at least the corner of the internet where I hang out). The sheer number of tweets, facebook posts, and blog posts I've read about Jenny's story has been staggering. The main point most of these people made is that it's time to end the stigma and shame associated with mental illness.

I don't disagree with that sentiment.

I do, however, have a very difficult time embracing that idea and applying it to me. I know mental illness is a sickness like any other, and "catching" it is largely out of my control. I know this. But it doesn't matter. I'm ashamed of myself for getting PPD. I'm embarrassed by the fight I'm fighting every day of my life. A little part of me dies of humiliation every time I talk to someone or post about my PPD. A little part of me is terrified of how my medical condition affects other people's perceptions of who I am and what I'm capable of.

Now my secret shame isn't so secret anymore. And I'm feeling more mortified than ever.

2 comments:

Kimberly said...

Oh hon...
You really shouldn't be ashamed of it. It is completely out of your control. You didn't ask for this. None of us did. It is not your fault.
It's scary to discuss something so personal and to make yourself vulnerable.
Hugs.

Jenna said...

you are brave for posting about it, and i hope you find much more community and confidence as you talk about your struggles with ppd. ive learned to talk more openly about ppd, depression, anxiety, and PTSD over the last year. This is my first visit to your blog, and I hope you'll come visit me too. Id like to encourage you that youre not alone. Jenny's piece was amazing, and Im so glad that so many many people read it.