Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Fear and loathing

That just about sums up my innermost thoughts right now. Fear and loathing are the two emotions ruling my life at the moment. Fear of the things going on inside of me, within my family, in my life. Loathing of everything I am, every choice I've made, everything I do.

Ladies (and possibly the unlucky gentleman who somehow stumbled upon the blog), I am not ok. It started out as my typical one-week-pre-period blah phase. But my period has come and gone, and I'm not feeling better. I'm actually feeling much, much worse. I've been overwhelmed by anger and anxiety lately. The anger I'm used to.The anxiety I'm not. Depression - not anxiety - is my "thing;" I'm much more comfortable with the D than I am with the A. I don't like the constant inner churning. At least with depression I mostly don't feel anything.

I've talked to my counselor. I (finally) see my psychiatrist in a week. I don't think it really matters. It's not like anything helps anyway.

4 comments:

Kate said...

Emily...I just came over to your blog after reading your comment on mine. I'm going to attempt the nablopomo...we'll see how it goes. ;) I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles with depression and anxiety. From the little I've experienced of both, they can be paralyzing beasts to face. I pray you are able to find peace.

Kimberly said...

Hang in sweetie. Please. You are worth the wAit. There are other things to try and do. I promise. You just have to hope (I know hope is so hard to find) that there is something out there that will help you. In the meantime we are all here holding your hand through this. You can beat this.
I am not used to the D...I get the A...but I'm deep in the D right now.
They're both assholes

Amanda @ There Are Two Sides said...

I seriously hate being depressed Em. I am having a rough go still...

Swistle said...

Oh dear, I HATE that kind of feeling. I hope the doctor fixes it RIGHT UP.