Been awhile, huh? I'll use the brutal stomach flu that ravaged R and me over the past week or so as my excuse.
In other news, I think I'm weaning R. I'm feeling oddly conflicted about this.
Things...well, things haven't been very good for me lately. Over the past couple of months, I've been working with my doctor to adjust my meds with the hope that we can find a combo that gets me back to something resembling normal. It hasn't been working particularly well. I'm close to the maximum dosage on both meds, and I'm still just barely keeping my head above water. My doctor wants to take me off of one med and replace it with a drug in an entirely different category. Sounds fine, right? And it would be, if I weren't still nursing.
The new medication is contraindicated when you're nursing. Really, the only stuff I could switch to is more or less the same as the stuff I'm on and the doc doesn't think it would make much difference for me, given the mild response I've had to dosage increases. So if I start the new medicine, I have to wean R.
I didn't think making the decision to wean would be a big deal - he's over a year old, he's drinking cow's milk, he's eating all kinds of solid foods, and, most importantly, I'm so ready to be done. I'm really struggling with this, though. R is very clearly not ready to wean. I've been working on getting rid of the morning nursing session, and it's not going well. R spends all morning banging his head into my chest, trying to pull my shirt down, and getting royally pissed off when I don't whip out a boob for him. He also still nurses at bedtime, which is going to be hard to get rid of.
I hate to see R as upset about this as he is. I know he wants to keep nursing, and I'd like to keep doing that for him. I'm doing well enough that I can keep treading water until R is ready to quit, I think, but I'm not sure that's a good option, either. My mom and B both think weaning R shouldn't even be a question at this point. My counselor thinks I should ask my doc for a different med (mostly because she's not a fan of the one he wants to switch me to, I think) and keep nursing.
It really comes down to this: is my or my son's well-being more important? I don't have a good answer to that question.
Even though I'm not entirely sure it's what I want to do, I've started the weaning process. It's been over 24 hours since his last nursing session, and I'm totally feeling the pain. My bra is stuffed with cabbage leaves and my whole house smells vaguely German (side note - I've decided that there's nothing quite as disgusting as pulling warm, wilted cabbage leaves out of your bra). I've choked down obscene amounts of sage tea today. B took over R's bedtime routine for the first time tonight, and it didn't go very well. I'm far more excited than I should be that I cannot be responsible for any midnight wake ups for at least the next week or so. I feel horribly about taking away something that's so good for my son and that he loves so much.
The mommy guilt...it just never ends.
In other news, I think I'm weaning R. I'm feeling oddly conflicted about this.
Things...well, things haven't been very good for me lately. Over the past couple of months, I've been working with my doctor to adjust my meds with the hope that we can find a combo that gets me back to something resembling normal. It hasn't been working particularly well. I'm close to the maximum dosage on both meds, and I'm still just barely keeping my head above water. My doctor wants to take me off of one med and replace it with a drug in an entirely different category. Sounds fine, right? And it would be, if I weren't still nursing.
The new medication is contraindicated when you're nursing. Really, the only stuff I could switch to is more or less the same as the stuff I'm on and the doc doesn't think it would make much difference for me, given the mild response I've had to dosage increases. So if I start the new medicine, I have to wean R.
I didn't think making the decision to wean would be a big deal - he's over a year old, he's drinking cow's milk, he's eating all kinds of solid foods, and, most importantly, I'm so ready to be done. I'm really struggling with this, though. R is very clearly not ready to wean. I've been working on getting rid of the morning nursing session, and it's not going well. R spends all morning banging his head into my chest, trying to pull my shirt down, and getting royally pissed off when I don't whip out a boob for him. He also still nurses at bedtime, which is going to be hard to get rid of.
I hate to see R as upset about this as he is. I know he wants to keep nursing, and I'd like to keep doing that for him. I'm doing well enough that I can keep treading water until R is ready to quit, I think, but I'm not sure that's a good option, either. My mom and B both think weaning R shouldn't even be a question at this point. My counselor thinks I should ask my doc for a different med (mostly because she's not a fan of the one he wants to switch me to, I think) and keep nursing.
It really comes down to this: is my or my son's well-being more important? I don't have a good answer to that question.
Even though I'm not entirely sure it's what I want to do, I've started the weaning process. It's been over 24 hours since his last nursing session, and I'm totally feeling the pain. My bra is stuffed with cabbage leaves and my whole house smells vaguely German (side note - I've decided that there's nothing quite as disgusting as pulling warm, wilted cabbage leaves out of your bra). I've choked down obscene amounts of sage tea today. B took over R's bedtime routine for the first time tonight, and it didn't go very well. I'm far more excited than I should be that I cannot be responsible for any midnight wake ups for at least the next week or so. I feel horribly about taking away something that's so good for my son and that he loves so much.
The mommy guilt...it just never ends.
7 comments:
What's the cabbage for?
So I stopped nursing Gi at 11 months. I wanted to make it to a year, because I never had before, and I really loved the time with her.
But, at the same time, the depression medication I was forced on for my anxiety, because all anxiety meds conflicted with nursing, were not working. Not even a little. Not even a passable amount.
Weaning was so sad. It's not what I wanted, and it definitely wasn't what she wanted, but mentally i was a mess. Like, Andy would have sit downs with me to try and make me realize the extent of my crazy. Everyone saw it but me.
Now, I can look back and see it was the best decision ever for my daughter. She may have given up breastmilk, but she had her mom back, like, as a whole, mentally and physically.
I was a such better parent.
This is worth it. Doing this for YOU is worth it, for the both of you.
Oh. Oh man. We need to start a support group for ourselves. I'm nursing my 11 month old and I suffer from severe obsessive compulsive disorder. My head is just barely above water. My doctor is begging me to wean and fully treat myself, but I haven't yet. Right now I take the lowest doses of OCD meds and have emergency low dose xanax that I've yet to try. I guess all I'm here to offer is a kindred spirit.
First of all, I'm so sorry that you are even going through this. I'm a fan of extended-breastfeeding (I nursed my son until he was around 2) and, in a perfect world, it would be great if you could nurse until both of you were ready to quit.
But....since you're having such a hard time right now and your son is over a year and is eating enough solids to sustain him, I think you need to put your well-being first. My answer may have been different if this was a newborn we were talking about, but it isn't. I think it will be a rough few days while you wean him, but you'll be a happier mama (which contributes to his well-being) if you can take the meds you need to take.
Just my $0.02. {{{{Hugs}}}}
Misty, something in cabbage is supposed to decrease milk production.
Em, You know how I feel already. You being whole and ok is more important. That being said, when I weaned Finn {we made it 15 months} I was sad. It's hard to give up something you've been doing for so long. Sending you lots of love this week.
Your well being is important, you should be very proud to have made it to over a year for him, that is wonderful! =0) It is really sad when the weaning happens, I was very ready to do it with L (she nursed until a little beyond 2) but something inside just hurt because it is such a great bonding experience that only the two of you can share.
I'm sending lots of hugs and postive thoughts that everything goes well! =0)
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