Thursday, February 3, 2011

Rage

I know that comparing myself to others does me n0 good. It leaves me angry, sad, and feeling more than inadequate.

But I do it anyway.

Today, I compare myself to another mother who has fought - and mostly won - a battle against PPD. She had it worse that I did/do. She descended into psychosis. She was hospitalized. But in a year she's managed to overcome this awful, awful disease. She's a happy, fulfilled mother. She's getting off her meds. She loves her baby. She's back to normal.

I've followed her journey, cheered her successes, and rued her setbacks. I should feel joy and pride for her.

Instead, I feel angry and bitter. Jealous of her progress.

Her success reminds me of all my failures. It makes me take a long, hard look at myself.

And I am disgusting. An embarrassment. A worthless wreck.

I've been battling a moderate case of PPD for THREE FUCKING YEARS and I have nothing to show for it except a miserable existence, a nearly-constant disdain for my offspring, and a deep-seated desire to run far, far away, back to the days when I was single and hadn't procreated.

Three years, and I'm in no better a position than I was when I started down the PPD rabbit hole. My babies deserve better. My husband deserves better. I deserve better.

But I'm helpless to make it better. Nothing seems to work. So I sit here at my computer and I rage. I rage at those who cope better than I, rage at myself, rage at the unfairness of life, rage at my disease.

I rage at the disease that has taken so much from me and my family because it's all I feel I can do.

At least the rage makes me feel something, even if it is only self-loathing.

5 comments:

Jen said...

::hugs::

Call me if you ever want to vent or if there's anything I can do to help.

Michelle said...

I hope you're the one feeling those good things & making progress soon Em.

Tracy said...

I'm a lurker and haven't read long enough to know of your struggles. So many women struggle with PPD - please reach out and talk to your doctor about it. If your doctor or health care provider isn't willing to help, ask for a referral to another. You are right - you deserve better.

LSM said...

I'm worried about you. I know you've said therapy feels like "one more thing" in the list of many, but can you go in? Adjust your medication? You shouldn't have to feel this way, and it's not your fault that you do.

Amanda said...

Love ya Em.