Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I miss family time

B is taking classes for work three nights a week right now. Thankfully, he's almost done for the summer. But for now, it's pretty rough on everyone. I get sick of being a single parent three nights a week, and B's pretty sick of working eight hours a day, then going to class for another three. And W doesn't get to see his dad for a couple days at a time.

Tonight really reminded me how much I miss normal family time. When W and I got home tonight, B took him outside to play while I made dinner and painted a couple sample patches of paint on the walls in W's room and the nursery (I actually think we decided on colors. Yay!). We all ate together. Then the boys went back outside for a bit before B gave W his bath (which he begrudgingly does only because I can barely get my fat ass lowered to the floor to do it). We also all got to hang out a little bit before bedtime. It was great. I miss family normalcy. It'll be nice to have it back for like a week before I have the baby and throw everything off again.

Speaking of #2, he needs to get his developing little ass off of my left sciatic nerve. I can barely walk tonight. I'm also pretty convinced that my leg is going to collapse under me whenever I try to haul my almost-30-pound toddler up the stairs. I really wish he didn't want me to hold him so much. It's killing me.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Proof that B and I are meant for each other

On the way to work the other day, I noticed a new billboard on the side of the road.

This one:


As I drove by, I thought to myself, "Probably because dog's not nearly as tasty as pork."

That night, I told B about the billboard. Know what he said? "Because bacon tastes way better than dog."

We're a match made in (a clearly non-vegetarian) Heaven.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Daycare update

After W's first full week at daycare, I think I'm ready to pronounce the whole thing a success.

He's doing well. Really well. He doesn't really cry when I leave in the morning, and when he does, he's done before I even get to my car. He and the owner always stand at the big picture window and wave bye-bye to me as I drive away. It's super cute.

He loves all the other kids, and apparently really likes to play with the "big boys." The majority of the kids at the center are in the 2.5-4 range, so all are slightly older than W. There are a couple of girls his age, but no boys. So W plays with the big boys. He chatters to them, runs around with them outside, and generally tries his hardest to keep up with them. Which leaves him exhausted by the end of the day. I mean, the kid took a FOUR HOUR NAP last week! Anyone or anything that can get such an extensive nap out of him must be wearing him out.

He has some eating issues his first few days, but seems to have gotten past those. He was hardly eating anything, which I attributed to his little world being all shaken up pretty suddenly. I finally got to the grocery store this weekend, so I took a few things in for him that I know he loves (oatmeal, yogurt, and yogurt-covered raisins). Even without that stuff, though, he's been eating better. The owner wasn't there for his first few days (apparently this was the first time she's ever left the center for a week), but she's been better than the other woman about giving him snacky-type things than actual meals. What can I say, the kid's a snacker, not a meal-eater. That's how I survived until I had to become a grown-up who has to eat real meals at scheduled times, so I'm not entirely surprised W eats like that, too.

The adjustment has gotten better for me, too. I've decided that I like the whole center concept. There are so many things I don't have to worry about any more. Like getting a text message at 7:00 AM telling me that the sitter's kids are sick and W can't come, or rushing to get to the sitter's immediately after work (today, I stopped at the grocery store before I picked W up. It was awesome), or screwing around with tax crap, or having to do tons of extra laundry because the sitter changed W's clothes multiple times a day (he hasn't come home in a different outfit than he arrived in yet). The only thing I was really sad about was not getting the random pictures texted to me, and the owner actually sent me one the other day. It made me smile.

All in all, this really was a great move for W. He already seems to be thriving in the daycare setting. And I'm already getting sad that we're likely going to have to find a new place for him and the baby before I go back to work after maternity leave. I know something will work out (hopefully in the direction of this center being able to take both boys), but the thought of making another change makes me sad. I knew this was coming when I enrolled W there, but I didn't think both of us would like such a hastily-made decision so much.

And that's the childcare situation. I'm very pleased with it so far. Not having to deal with those too immature to professionally run a business is just an added bonus.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

No more epic naps

When I got to the daycare to pick W up tonight, he was still napping. At 5:00 PM. He napped for FOUR HOURS. I'm pretty sure the kid has never taken a four-hour-long nap in his entire life before this. It sounds like he played hard today, though - running with the "big boys" and playing outside for two hours - so I wasn't too concerned about bedtime.

I've changed my mind about that.

I tried to put him down at his normal time. After listening to him cry for 20 minutes, I went up, retrieved his pacifier from behind the crib, and rocked with him for a bit. I put him back down, and he started crying again. That only lasted for about 10 minutes or so, though, and then he was out. For 15 minutes. He just started in again. Hopefully this crying bout doesn't last too long and he actually goes to sleep. I'm not looking forward to this pattern continuing throughout the night, though, as it tends to when he has a rough time going down at night. We'll see what happens.

I know for sure, though, that he will not be taking any more naps of epic lengths at daycare any more. Tomorrow, I'm going to tell them to wake him up after three hours. Max. We can handle the aftermath of a three hour nap, but not a four hour one.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Delving into the brains of college kids

I'm sure I've mentioned that I work in a college town. I generally like it, and enjoy reliving my youth by watching the kids across the street from my office window do things like drink and barbecue starting at 10:00 AM on a random Wednesday. But I occasionally find myself wondering what, exactly, these college kids might think of me.

The other day, I went out to move my car from the BFE parking lot to a closer lot. There was a kid just returning from spring break who was parked a couple of spaces away from me. He was unloading his bright pink suitcases from his car and yelling across the street to a girl sitting on her porch with a book on her lap and a tasty-looking cocktail in her hand. As I watched them and envied their carefree college lifestyles, I started to wonder what they were thinking about me (as if they actually noticed me). You know, what do the younguns think of the hugely pregnant woman in a suit and heels, rushing across her office parking lot to her minivan? I wonder how old they think I am. I'm probably only five to seven years older than most of the kids I run into, but I bet I seem ancient to them. I wonder if they envy or pity the life I seem to have (career, kid on the way, pseudo soccer mom status). I wonder if they hope to have some of that some day, or if they're appalled by the though.

Mostly, though, I wonder why I wonder about what's going on in the college kids' heads. I'm guessing they don't give me a second thought. I'm sure I wouldn't have when I was in college. But still I wonder.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Trial season

Work is kicking my butt right now. Our calendar has trials coming out its ass. Today was a 12-hour day because of a trial. Long days like that aren't usually so bad, but it is abundantly clear to me this evening that I can't pull off a 12-hour day in heels (even moderate heels) at 33 weeks pregnant. I'm exhausted.

I really shouldn't complain at all because I love doing trials. They're fun. And sometimes even interesting. They just occasionally make for really long days, and they make getting my regular work done pretty difficult. Luckily, the two other trials set for this week have gone away, we only have one set for next week (though it's a three-day trial AND it's a civil trial - which I've never done before), and the two-week murder trial starting in two weeks just got continued. I'm hoping that gives me a little time to get caught up with my other stuff.

Even despite all that the cancellations and continuances, we are still set to do more jury trials in the first three months of 2010 than we did in all of 2009 (next week's civil trial will make five for this year...that's what we did all of last year). And I'm bummed because two trials I'd really like to be around for (a rape-turned-sexual-battery that was continued in January because of a last minute discovery issue and a child endangering on remand from the court of appeals that I wasn't around for the first time) have been set for when I'm on maternity leave. I'm kinda hoping they'll get moved again. It also sounds like the just-moved murder trial is going to be right when I get back from leave. The craziness just won't stop.

Have I ever mentioned that I love my job? Because I totally do. Even in the middle of a crazy-busy trial season.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Seriously, kid

Whenever I think W has given up on his quest to kill me, he picks it back up. He's like a happy, less verbal, round-headed Stewie.

He has been so whiny, clingy, and attention-whore-y lately. That, coupled with the fact that it's just the two of us at home alone most nights, which means I'm the only one having to do the parental thing, is driving me crazy. I'm trying to be extra patient with him because his little life has been in upheaval for the past couple of weeks. His old schedule is gone, and he's not used to the new one yet; he's adjusting to a new daycare, and was a daycare nomad for a while before that; he's cutting at least two teeth that have been especially brutal on him; he's had some form of the runs for the past five days; and he's been extra tired in the evenings. He has reasons for being touchy, and I'm trying to be sympathetic. But it's really difficult when I'm exhausted, sore and achy, and mentally drained.

I'm hoping this little phase passes quickly. Particularly before the second one arrives. One clingy, completely dependent baby is plenty, thankyouverymuch. If W keeps this up, I'm pretty sure one of us won't make it through my maternity leave.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

OB appointments put me in a foul mood

I hate going to the OB any more. I don’t know why, but my sense of dread starts building as a I drive to my appointment, I’m kind of cranky by the time I get there, and I’m in full-on pissy mode by the time I leave.

It might have something to do with being forced to talk about the baby. I don’t like doing that, really. She asks non-pertinent questions (like “Any names yet?” or “Everything ready at home?”) to make conversation, and I don’t want to talk about that stuff. Not just with her, but with anyone. I don’t want to be rude, so rather than telling her I don’t want to talk about it and to drop it, I answer (with short, cursory answers), while secretly getting annoyed.

Another possible mood killer is being told that everything is going to be fine, my boys will love each other and entertain each other, and life will be all rainbows and puppies in a few months. Because it’s probably not true. Unless, of course “rainbows and puppies” really means “shitty diapers and screaming.” I can guarantee that will be true. My doc knows I’m not excited about this baby, and that I’m actually sort of dreading him, so she keeps telling me things she must think will ease my mind. But they don’t help. They just piss me off more. And, again, rather than being rude, I just don’t say anything.

I also kind of feel like my doc is downplaying and brushing off my physical complaints to some extent. Granted, I’m probably likely being a bit whiny, but it would be great if I were given some actual suggestions or solutions for my complaints, rather than just being told that it’s normal to feel more beaten up the second time because you already have one at home you’re taking care of. Of course, maybe there isn’t any other advice she can give me, so she’s just giving me the best she’s got.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love my OB, and she’s certainly not the only person who does these sorts of things. I just get a large dose of it all at once at appointments, and it makes me grumpy. What it really boils down to is that I want to be helped, not placated, dammit! I feel like the advice I’m getting from everyone around me amounts to nothing more than a mental pat on the head and a “There, there. It’ll be ok, sweetie.” Even strangers and casual acquaintances who manage to pick up on the less-than-thrilled vibes that radiate from me when the conversation turns to the baby do it. It’s infuriating. Though I may act like it sometimes, I’m not a little kid who will believe whatever line of bull you throw at me.

I even have a hard time believing those who do a pretty good job of providing the concrete assistance I’m craving rather than spouting placating platitudes (which is, um, my counselor, and…I think that’s about it). Fact is, I’m not going to believe that this baby will be better or different than W was until I see it for myself. I’m much too skeptical for that.

I’ve done everything possible throughout this whole pregnancy to pretend I’m not pregnant and that this isn’t really happening to me. In my brain, I’ve been fairly successful. Unfortunately, I’m pretty obviously pregnant, so people in general have started asking me about it. Maybe I just need to make myself a t-shirt that says something like, “If you ask, I’ll hurt you” or “Ask baby questions only if you no longer value your life.” Do you think that would get people to leave me alone? Because, really, I think the less I have to deal with the questions and unwanted and unhelpful “advice”, the less I’ll turn into a grumpy, bitter, pregnant hag.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The things you forget

There are many, many things I was told I would forget about pregnancy that never went away.

But there are also a few things that I had forgotten about.

Like how much it hurts to get kicked in the ribs from the inside.

Or how tight and uncomfortable swollen feet are.

And how difficult it is to maintain the, uh, appearance of your bikini area when you can't actually see your bikini area.

That last one is vexing me the most this evening.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Random things

I need to get back to regularly doing real posts I don't end up with random blurb posts all the time. But my brain hurts tonight, so blurbs are what you get.

Work is kind of crazy right now. To the point that I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed. There are so many things that need immediate attention that I feel like I'm slipping on all of my more long-term projects. There are also some things going on that I think are making me look incompetent, but the real problems lie with other people; I'm doing what I can with the information I've been given. So even though it's not really my fault, it kinda looks like it is.

I did my first murder trial last week. It was actually pretty fun. It also got done several days before it was scheduled to. Unfortunately, the week I thought was going to be slow and allow me to catch up has been crazy.

This pregnancy is kinda kicking my ass. I'm sore and achy all over, my ribs hurt pretty much all the time, I'm not sleeping well, even when I take my pain pills, I'm short of breath, and I'm starting to swell up. The swelling started at the end of last week. I thought it was from wearing heels a couple of days, but it hasn't gone down after three or four days in flats. This isn't a good sign. I have an OB appointment on Thursday, so we'll see how my BP is. This baby is absolutely not allowed to come until after my next murder trial (scheduled to end April 9).

In other baby news, I've been feeling pretty good about the whole second baby thing lately. Like almost to the point of being sort of excited about him coming. I think it has something to do with all the newborn pictures I'm being inundated with on facebook.

W starts at his new daycare tomorrow. I'm nervous about it. Which is stupid, I know. He'll be fine, he'll love it, and he'll be so much better off than he was at ex-sitter's. But I'm still nervous. I feel like it's the night before the first day at a new school. I'm so afraid I'm going to forget something or traumatize my baby. Plus, I just figured out that the center spells its name very, um, creatively, which makes me want to hurl. But it will be fine. He will be fine.

I learned about radical unschooling from a TLC show this weekend. It's kinda nuts. I'd like to see a follow-up show in 10 or 15 years to see how these kids really turn out.

I went to Ikea for the first time this weekend. It was awesome. My mom and I have decided that we need to go back on a weekday when we can actually spend all day there. We got to all the stuff we wanted to, but could have wandered for several more hours. I bought this duvet cover for our room, and this one for W's room. I also bought a whole bunch of stuff we probably don't need, and spent more money than I had planned. Oops.

I'm pretty excited about starting to paint and "decorate" our upstairs. I've actually got some ideas that I think are really cute. W's room is going to be done in bright colors, mostly greens and blues, with some animal stuff. The nursery is going to be painted a sage color (because most of our baby stuff from the first time around came in the "neutral" color of sage) with some minimal bee decorations (like this print I found on Etsy, and I'm totally in love with). "Bees" was the original theme I came up with for W's nursery, but never actually did anything with, so I'm going to use it now. The bathroom is going to be painted purple of some sort to coordinate with my shower curtain and accessories. We aren't going to do anything but paint right now, but we'll eventually be replacing the vanity, tub, flooring, etc. And I'm still working on ideas for our room. But they need to work with the duvet cover (though I don't think B would be ok with lots of purple). Because I already own it and I love it.

I'll end for now by saying that the immaturity level of some adults amazes me.

And now it's bedtime. Hopefully.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Dumped

W's baby sitter dumped me today. Unceremoniously, and in a definite "it's not me, it's you" fashion. This came out of the blue, and hit me like a punch in the gut. She told me she's done with him as of this Friday -five days from today - saying that should give me plenty of time to find someone new. I highly doubt that, which is why I asked if she'd be willing to take him next week if we couldn't find someone before Monday. She flat-out refused. She also told me she didn't want to get into the reasons why she won't watch W any more, but from our brief conversations this morning and after work, I've come up with a couple of possible theories.

Theory 1: She's pissed about the childcare tax credit situation. There was a bit of drama with this a month or so ago that I never posted about because I figure it's best not to eff with anything involving the IRS. Apparently, me being nice doesn't matter any more, so here's the brief version. In short, we told her a year ago we'd be claiming the credit, she agreed until she was in the process of filing her taxes a month or so ago, and realized that it would cost her. I agreed to only claim half of the amount we initially agreed to. She told me what her rates would be going forward, if we wanted to claim the credit for 2010. After crunching the numbers, I told her we wouldn't be claiming the credit for 2010 because we would be paying out over $2,000 more than the credit is worth, and it didn't make financial sense for us. She seemed a little annoyed, but never said any more about it. I think maybe this has been festering, and led to the dumping.

Theory 2: I'm an overbearing bitch, and she's not an assertive enough person to deal with me, so she's getting rid of me. She didn't tell me this in so many words, but it was implied when I directed our conversation to her firing me. After work tonight, I said something along the lines of "I know you said you didn't want to get into it, but I would really like to know if I've done something that led to this. I know it probably won't change our situation, but I'd like to know for the future so I don't lose another good sitter over something I'm doing." She, slightly pissily, responded with, "It's stuff like this, Emily. I said I didn't want to talk about it, and you're asking about it anyway." I've been wracking my brain, but can't come up with more than one other incident (which occurred Thursday night, and I wasn't entirely aware of) when I've done this. I apologized many times, but it apparently fell on deaf ears.

Theory 3: She found my blog, and read something that pissed her off. After searching my blog, the only thing I found that might have pissed her off was my mommy guilt post from the other day. I've never written anything untoward about her; never used her name, her kids' names, or her husband's name; and never posted pictures of her or her kids.

Theory 4: I stress her out. This sort of ties in with Theory 2. She told me she spent all weekend feeling guilty about her kids being sick. I never, ever intended that to happen as a result of our conversation Thursday night, and I told her so. If it came off that way on the phone, I didn't mean for it to, but it may have because I was stressed about trying to find something to do with my possibly-still-sick kid the next day after I'd already taken half a week off of work. She made the comment that she's under a lot of stress, too, and I got the feeling that she meant I was a big cause of that.

Theory 5: She doesn't want a newborn. Again, she didn't say that in so many words, but she definitely implied that she didn't want to be burdened with watching a newborn come this summer.

Theory 6: W has become an uncontrollable heathen at her house, and she doesn't want to deal with him any more. I have no evidence of that, but you never know.

And that's all I've got. It could be one, it could be none, or it could be all of them. I may never know exactly what happened, but I really hope that she eventually decides to man up and have a frank conversation with me about what the eff went down.

The sad thing is, I am really, really hurt and upset by this. I feel like I got dumped by a boyfriend (particularly because I'm 98% sure she's keeping the other kid she watches). I spent most of the day at work crying off and on, and cried the whole way home while talking on the phone with my mom. This was so sudden and unexplained that I don't even know how to begin processing it. Every thing was perfectly normal until this morning. Actually, until Thursday night...I should have known something was wrong when I sent her a text and she didn't respond. She always responds, even if it's just with an "ok" or a "yep." I truly feel like a pathetic ex-girlfriend who wants nothing more than to find out why this happened. I feel like I'm begging her to give me some closure, and she wants no part of it or me.

And I feel terribly for W. He loves the sitter, loves her kids, and has a great time at her house. She's truly been a fantastic sitter, too. I'm sad that he's going to lose those friendships and that caregiver. Even after the craptastic way she's decided to end our relationship, I would still give her a glowing recommendation. I'm sad that W is going to lose a good caregiver and two good friendships.

I'm also super pissed about the firm one-week's notice. I'm in trial all week, so I don't have the freedom I usually do to make phone calls and search for a sitter, and B has class every night this week, so even if I find a place and make an appointment to check it out, he won't be able to go with me. I think I have a couple of options for the first few days next week, if I need them, though, which makes me feel slightly better about the timing issues.

Also providing a small measure of comfort is knowing that people seem to be on my "side" of this whole thing. Obviously, they've only heard my side of the story (because I don't have the sitter's side of the story to tell), so it comes with a grain of salt, but still. And, in case you think I've told everyone I ran into today the full sob story, the brief story I've been giving people as I'm asking for sitter recommendations is: "My babysitter dumped me this morning. She told me Friday is going to be her last day. I need to find a new one by Monday, but am freaking out about it because our schedules are nuts this week. Is your sitter taking new toddlers?" After getting that e-mail, a friend of mine summed up it up best: "That's really shitty. Really shitty."

So, in the fashion of the jilted girlfriend, I'm packing up all the maternity and baby clothes she's lent me, figuring out if she has any of W's stuff at her house, and making sure I don't have anything of hers left at my house. I'm going to return it all when I pick W up on Friday, make a clean break. Because I have a feeling that there's not going to be any "staying friends" after this.