Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Drafts from the Past #1: My wish for me

This post was originally written on August 2, 2008. Before you start reading, prepare yourself to laugh your ass off at the first paragraph. I know I did. I'm not sure why this one never got published, but I found it lurking at the end of my drafts list, so here it is. Enjoy!

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Before I really start this post, I would like to note that this will be the last whiny, self-pitying blog entry from me. I've decided that I need to be happy and accepting of this pregnancy and baby, no matter what it takes. So, I'm going to force myself to be happy. Part of that campaign is no longer thinking or writing negative things about this experience. Starting today, I will force myself to be happy about this baby, even if it kills me (and it very well might). (When you take bets about how long my "positive thinking" phase will last, try to give me at least a little benefit of the doubt...)

Ever since the Week 8 breakdown that set me off on a downward spiral into depression and baby hating, I have wanted nothing more for myself than to be one of those blissfully happy and nauseatingly excited expectant mothers. That’s how I always pictured this whole pregnancy thing playing out, and it’s been tough for me to cope with the fact that my fantasy and reality haven’t quite matched up.

What’s even worse for me is knowing that nothing I’ve done has worked to change my perception of reality. I’m a very take-charge kind of person, and I like to fix my own problems when I can. In this case, though, my tried and true methods have failed, as have the newer things I’ve tried out of desperation. The list of potential fixes keeps growing, but I still feel the same. I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, I’ve talked to anyone who will listen, I’ve blogged, I’ve thought and thought and thought (some might say “ruminated”), I’ve done nice things in an attempt to up my good karma points, I’ve even gone all new-age-y and “put it out there” for the universe to take care of…nothing has done a damn thing for me. The only thing I haven’t tried is the bottle of Zoloft pills sitting on my dresser. I can’t do it. As much as I know I probably should, I just can’t.

On top of feeling like a failure for being unable to fix myself and for “failing” at being pregnant, I can’t seem to find anyone who really gets what’s going on with me. No one really understands. *Insert angst-y teenager voice here* I haven’t bothered trying to explain any of this to my friends who have never been pregnant. I just keep on pretending everything’s fine, and keep hoping my lack of enthusiasm regarding talk of the baby will lead them to different subjects. My mom friends try to empathize, but they still seem confused about my reaction to my situation. I appreciate so much everything they’ve done to convince me that things will be fine and some of the stuff I’m feeling is normal (I don’t really believe them, but I try to), but I still think they secretly think I’m some kind of freak. I can’t talk my own mom; she’s too happy about this baby for me to ruin it for her. I can’t even really talk to B. I’ve told him bits and pieces, but I'm pretty sure that he's unable or unwilling to comprehend just how deep my feelings of despair and unhappiness are. He's picked up on the fact that I "don't like being pregnant", but I don't think he knows that I also don't like the baby, myself, or my life right now. Plus, he worries about me and the baby a lot as it is. I don’t want him to worry even more. And he's soooooo excited about the baby. I can't take that away from him. So, I just keep on keeping on, pretending everything’s fine (or at least not as bad as it really is), and hoping that everyone is right, and it’ll all work out in the end. I just have so much trouble really believing that’s true.

So, my one big wish for me is to be happy about my pregnancy, to be a “normal” mom. I hasn't happened in the first six months, so I don't know why the last three months will be any different, but I'm hoping they are. Hopefully someone reading this (God, the universe, a friend, some random stranger) is able to send me the answer that I need.

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