Friday, July 9, 2010

Damn you, Wiggles. Damn you and the big red car you rode in on

If you don't have kids, or have them but have been fortunate enough to avoid The Wiggles, consider yourselves lucky. They aren't from the same circle of hell as Barney, but they're close.

We'll get this out of the way first: I let my toddler watch TV. Judge if you want, but I am NOT a morning person, and turning on Sprout gives me a little bit of (relatively) peaceful time before W starts running non-stop for the day. Gives me time to get at least one Diet Coke down, and for it to start kicking in, you know? The need for this easing-in time was even greater while I was on maternity leave. So, W got to watch some TV every morning. (But never past 9:30. Barney comes on at 9:30, and I just canNOT handle that, no matter how much quiet(-ish) time it gets me.)

There was just one eensy, weensy problem with our morning Sprout watching. The early morning program is hosted by The Wiggles. It's called Sprout's Wiggly Waffle. It's sort of painful.

My biggest beef with all things Wiggle-y is the effing catchy songs. They're all so ear-wormy! You hear them once in the morning, and they're embedded in your brain And they're all too easy to remember, too. It embarrasses me to type this, but I know pretty much all of them, and can also do the dances.

Just the other morning, I turned on the TV so I could try to nurse R in peace, and the Wiggles episode that was on had two of their most sticky songs. And they were alternating through my head the It was maddening. Especially since I was in trial and needed to be paying attention to what was going on.

Their Australia-talk is all confusing, too. They always say "beauty, mate!" and (what sounds like) "too-roo!" I have no idea what either of those phrases means.

And some of their skits drive me nuts. There's this one bit they do that involves one of them dressing up in some costume. I wish I could find a video of it because it's much more annoying on film than it is in print. I'll do my best, though, using the king one as an example. Wiggle 1 is standing there in what is clearly a king costume, and Wiggle 2 comes up and asks what Wiggle 1 is wearing on his head. Wiggle 1 says, "What do you think it is?" Wiggle 2 says something ridiculous, like "an astronaut's helmet," when it's very clearly a crown. Then Wiggle 1 says, "Oh, no it's not!" Wiggle 2 says, "Oh, yes it is!" and they go back and forth several times. Then they "ask the audience" what's on Wiggle 1's head. Wiggle 2 then magically realizes that it is, indeed, a crown. They repeat the process for each piece of the costume (so they go through the whole thing like five times before Wiggle 2 actually figures out what Wiggle 1 is dressed up as). Makes me want to stab myself in the eyeball with a pencil.

I do find the amount of information I gleaned about The Wiggles clan just from watching the show daily for six weeks amazing. Here are my thoughts:
  • Jeff (the purple one) - I remember my aunt telling me years ago that this was a group of college classmates who put this whole Wiggles thing together as a class project. You know how every group project has that one person who's pretty worthless, but you have to include anyway? Yeah, that's Jeff. Dude can't sing. Can't dance very well, either. He does play the accordion, though, so I guess that's why they keep him around. He's also apparently a (pretend) narcoleptic.

  • Murray (the red one) - Murray is kinda scary looking. He can't sing very well, either. He's the official guitar player. Music is his "thing."

  • Anthony (the blue one) - Anthony also can't really sing, but is slightly better than the first two. He's also got the most flamboyant dance moves. He likes to eat, especially fruit salad (where the hell do they come up with this crap???)

  • Sam (the yellow one) - Sam is the good singer. He carries the group. He's not the original yellow Wiggle. He looks a lot like my friend's husband. I like Sam and find him to be the least annoying of the bunch. Before Sam was the yellow Wiggle, he was a back-up singer/dancer on the show, but they called him David in the one episode I saw him in.

  • Greg (the former yellow one) - I eventually noticed that there were two different incarnations of the yellow Wiggle, and I wondered why. Was there some falling out among the group? Had Greg slept with another Wiggle's wife? It had to be something good; you don't give up a cash cow like this for nothing. At a friend's wedding, the people at my table got into a discussion about The Wiggles (because we're all super-lame and have young children), and a friend's wife had done some research to find out the story. Unfortunately, it's nothing juicy. Greg has some sort of medical issue and had to quit. Sam was picked as his replacement. After Greg left, their show went from being called "The Wiggles Show" to "Wiggle and Learn." I'm guessing this has something to do with ownership and royalties and rights and all of that.

  • The rest of them - I'm not going to get into the annoying qualities of Captain Feathersword (worst fake pirate ever..."snuzzle-wuzzle" is NOT a pirate word), Dorothy the Dinosaur (her giggle makes me cringe), Wags the Dog (I'm pretty sure he's not mentally all there), and Henry the Octopus (he's not on much, so I don't know much about him. But his plaid pants are ugly).

I'm not gonna lie, it repulses me to see how much I just wrote on this subject. And that was all just from watching TV for a little while in the mornings. There are much more important things that need that precious space in my brain.

Damn you, Wiggles. Damn you and your (toot, toot, chugga, chugga) big red car.


Michelle said...

I've never seen an episode of the wiggles and I'm thanking myself for not getting cable right now.

PBS Kids.

Amanda said...

I have a Wiggles guitar and a Wiggles Western DVD that I would PAY you to take away from us!!!!