Monday, February 8, 2010

Gagging on memories

A friend of mine went to the hospital to be induced this morning. I've been getting updates periodically throughout the day, and every time I do, it makes me want to hurl.

When I was pregnant the first time, everyone told me that as soon as you hold the baby in your arms, you forget about the labor and the pain. I call bullshit on that, my friends. I have never, never forgotten how awful labor was, how unbelievably painful it was, and how much I wanted to die and/or rip off B's balls with every contraction. Time hasn't dulled the memory, either.

Hearing about my friend's progress brings up all those awful memories for me again. I remember what I was feeling when I was at three centimeters, and at five, and thinking of her going through that right now makes me cringe. Thinking of me having to go through it again in a few more months literally makes me sick to my stomach because I don't want to do it.

I don't want to do any of this. The pregnancy, the labor, the recovery, the newborn, the infant, the toddler. None of it. As the day of reckoning gets closer, the knot in my stomach gets tighter and tighter. Hearing other women's stories doesn't help, either. Ugh. I just want this all to go away. I know it won't, but I still dream of that every.single.day.

As far as I know, my friend hasn't gotten to six-seven-ish centimeters, which is when I got the epidural, and labor became bearable. I'm hoping she's there before the next update because then I might be able to think of her without fighting to keep my dinner down.

1 comment:

Doing My Best said...

Why do people say such stupid things? "You'll forget"?! Apparently people who say those things have never experienced suffering so great that the memory is INDELIBLY stamped on your SOUL!

One of my friends called me in the midst of her hyperemesis pregnancy to get advice, and when I got off the phone I had a panic attack and had to work very hard to keep from throwing up =(.