Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I've never been all that good at asking for help when I really need it. I tend to plod along, getting more and more distraught and miserable, until someone notices that I need help and either points that fact out to me, or offers me whatever it is that I so desperately need. Even then, I sometimes fight the assistance, thinking I can do it or handle it myself.

The awful depression roller coaster I've been on for almost two years now is no exception. I always, always know when I get to the point of needing some sort of mental health intervention. But I won't do anything about it. I keep trying to fix things myself until someone in my life points out that I need something more than willpower to solve my problems. Even then, it takes me a while to take action. Don't know why, but that's how I've always been. It's one of the many of my traits that I'm not particularly fond of.

I have one friend who is good about calling me on my deterioration, and about suggesting I do something to help myself get better. It's one of those things that sometimes makes me want to tell her to mind her own business and leave me the hell alone, but it's also one of the things I love about her. I need people like that in my life. Especially since I've gotten good at hiding the depths of my despair (that sounds so hokey, but I can't come up with anything better right now) from my mom and B, the two people historically most likely to catch on to potential issues.

I'm at that point again. Things are not good in my brain (and are probably far worse than even those close to me know). My mood and outlook fluctuate from day to day, and even hour to hour on some days, and half the time I feel like I'm more bipolar than depressed (does pregnancy-induced bipolar disorder exist? If it does, I'm screwed). I want to run away from my life and never come back. I want to go to sleep one night, and wake up to find that the past couple of years were all a dream, and I'm back in a place where I had some freedom. I want to trade in my kid(s) for cats and go live with creatures who aren't so demanding and obnoxious. Actually, that's not true. My cat has been just as annoying as my kid(s) lately...I'm reconsidering the cats part, but not the rest. I spend hours ruminating about my role as wife and mother, and how I don't think I'm really fit for either. And this is just the surface. Revealing any more would probably get me committed.

I see my OB tomorrow, and I'm going to talk to her. My own personal theory is that the dose of meds I'm on is enough to keep me sane and level when I'm not pregnant, but the effing of my head that the pregnancy hormones causes requires more intervention than I'm currently getting. We'll see what she says. I know I probably need to see a therapist on top of that, but that's just not in the cards right now for a variety of reasons. I can't talk to people I know in real life about a lot of things because I'm 99.9% sure none of them would understand or be able to help, and I'm guessing most of them would judge me. I'm so sensitive to judgment from others right now (no idea why), and I couldn't stand my friends or family looking at me differently right now, and maybe forever.

I'm so over all of this bullshit. I just want to be mentally stable again. Of course, it's been so long since I've been able to achieve that on my own that I'm not sure I even know what it looks and feels like anymore.


Michelle said...

You know if you tell me to mind my own business I won't listen anyway. Love ya & want you better.

lynzabell said...

((HUGS)) Em. I'm hoping your appt. w/your OB goes well...and you know you really - truly can vent to any of us..any time :) I promise - no judging.

Keep us posted sweets :)

Lori said...

(((hugs))) Wish I could take away your struggles.

Stacey said...

I think about you often & wish you the best with all of this dark weight on your shoulders. I hope you can find the right balance to overcome some of these overwhelming feelings/thoughts, you deserve to be that happy girl again : ) hugs

Jen said...

I promise I won't judge you if you need to talk. Seriously, I really won't.