Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Dear Son,

Fine. If this is how you're going to be, I'll never tell anyone about how good you are at something ever again. Just a few days ago, I told a friend that you're pretty good about putting yourself to sleep at night (see? I said "pretty good" not "really good" or "great". I was even hedging so I wouldn't jinx it!). Since then, you've been an absolute terror at bedtime and all night. Mommy and Daddy are working on three nights of crappy sleep now, and are very tired. Daddy has an interview tomorrow and could use a good night of sleep. Mommy's overall mental health is much better when she gets sleep. So if I promise to never brag about you again, even in the most roundabout way, will you start sleeping better? Please???

Love,

Mommy

Friday, January 23, 2009

My accomplishment for today

I ate sushi for lunch today with the baby sitting on my lap, and I managed to not drop a single drip of soy sauce or grain of rice on his head. I'm proud of me.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

"Don't you just love being a mommy?"

I hate that question. HATE it. Why? Because it's one of those questions that people don't want to hear an honest answer to. It's like a coworker asking how you're doing. They're just doing it to make polite conversation, and the only answer they really want to hear is "good" or "fine" or, at worst, "ok". No one (except your best friends, and sometimes not even them) wants to hear that your dog died, your grandma is sick, and you're PMS-ing like nobody's business, even if it's all 100% true.

The "Don't you just love being a mommy?" question is sort of the same. Everyone who asks it assumes they know what your answer is going to be - they expect a "Yes, I loooooooove it!" Anything else would be socially unacceptable, no matter how true.

Someone asked me that today, and it took everything in me to force a smile and say, "Yeah, it's great" with a little bit of fake enthusiasm. Because it's not great. In fact, it's hard, it's exhausting, it's wearing me down physically and mentally, and I wonder at least once a day why I wanted kids and how I can trade mine in for a child-free existence. I'm horrible at this mom thing. Absolutely horrible.

It breaks my heart to say this, but I really don't think I'm cut out to be a mother. I have done nothing but struggle for the last three months, and I don't feel like I'm making any progress or getting any better at it. It makes me feel sorry for my poor kid. I hope things get better. I need things to get better. I want motherhood to be fun and rewarding and as great for me as it seems to be for everyone else. I don't know why, but it isn't.

I like going to work every day because I can forget all about being a mother (except when I'm pumping). I get about five minutes of good time a day with the baby. He's asleep when I leave in the morning. He's great for a few minutes when I get home in the evening. Then, he gets cranky and fussy and just wants his dad. Unfortunately for me, his dad has had him all day, and is more than ready for me to take over when I get home. So I get the cranky, fussy baby. There has to be some balance that we haven't figured out yet that allows me some down time to unwind from work, and allows B to get some time away from the baby, too. I'm at the point that I want to get in my car, drive away, and never come back. And I don't know where to turn for help.

And those are my disjointed, whackjob ramblings for today.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Motherhood just got a lot grosser

I thought I'd reached the limit of the grossness of motherhood for now. I've dealt with the puke, and the poop, and everything else. I thought I was done being surprised by grossness until we started on solid foods. The baby managed to step it up last night, though.

Last night, I went to give the baby a kiss on the lips, and he spit up. In my mouth. It was revolting. B laughed. I cried.

And I think he did it maliciously. This came after several hours of fussing when I tried to hold him and refusing to give me any smiles, so I'm pretty sure he did it on purpose. For the record, and so you don't think I'm a complete moron, I did this at least an hour and a half after he ate, so I should have been safe from the puke. Yet another reason I think it was malicious.

Needless to say, I'm keeping my kisses a safe distance from his mouth from now on.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Moby

Gah, I need to update this thing more. You'd think getting two hours of time a day back due to a shortened commute would give me some extra time for blogging. Unfortunately, my munchkin has other plans.

Anyway...

When I was pregnant, I saw and fell in love with the Moby Wrap. I thought it seemed like a great baby carrying option, and I was fortunate enough to have some friends buy me one for a shower. It's a bit overpriced for what essentially amounts to several yards of hemmed jersey fabric (you could totally make your own, if you were so inclined - and didn't mind a few seams), but it really is fab. You can wrap it many different ways, and use it on your kid until s/he weighs 35 pounds.

It took me a few weeks after the baby was born to actually use mine because it's a little daunting (I found it a bit confusing to figure out the different wraps), but I'm glad I finally figured it out. W hated it the first couple of times, and did nothing but scream when I had him in it. Luckily for me, he got used to it (and now falls asleep almost every time he's in there). My kid does NOT like to be put down, which makes doing anything around the house a bit difficult. It's so great to be able to use both of my hands at the same time again without listening to screaming or forcing the baby on my husband. Plus, it keeps him really snug, almost like swaddling, which is calming for him.

The biggest downside I've found to this thing is that it sorta makes me feel like I'm pregnant again when I'm wearing it (you know, a big belly, er, baby in the way bumping into everything, having trouble picking objects up off the floor, etc.). That's not a good enough reason to stop wearing it, though. I like it too much.

There's no point to this post, really. I just wanted to share my love of the Moby, since I'm enjoying its benefits right now. And I had nothing better to write about tonight. I'll give you a pic of the baby enjoying a Moby nap to hopefully redeem my pointless ramblings a little bit.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

New job

I have a new job. I love it. LOVE it. I've been there less than a week, and I can already tell this is going to be soooooooooo much better than my previous position. Plus, it's a lot closer to home. I get almost two hours of my day back now. I don't want to go into job stuff any more on here, but I wanted to share that I love my new job.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Baby's schedule, Dad's dumb assery, and Mom's frustration

A week or so before I went back to work, I asked my friends when I could expect the baby to get himself on a schedule, mostly because I wanted to know what kind of sleep I could expect to get on work nights. They all told me their babies sort of scheduled themselves somewhere between six and eight weeks. "Great!", I thought. I figured my baby would be no different, and he would start to fall into some sort of pattern in the near future.

That never happened.

Here we are at 10 weeks, and the only thing this kid does consistently is wake up somewhere around 4:00 A.M. to eat. I feel like I have no control over his daily schedule because I'm not around during the day. Everything I've tried to get him on some sort of bedtime schedule has massively failed. Right now, beyond the 4 o'clock feeding, I couldn't tell you when the kid will eat, sleep, play, or shit. And it's starting to drive me crazy. I am not good at living in such an unstructured state of being. I need some predictability in my day. I want to know when I can call B while I'm at work and not risk waking the baby. I'd like to know when B and I might be able to have a couple of hours of grown up time in the evenings. I need to know when my boobs have to be available.

But, my sanity doesn't matter to the baby.

The thing that bugs me most is the lack of a sleep schedule. I like sleep, and I miss it a lot. Knowing when sleep and I might get a chance to spend some quality time together is even more important to me than knowing when B and I might get some quality time together. I've tried to set up a routine, but every night brings a new interruption or distraction. When I strive for consistency, I seem to be thwarted by someone or something.

Thursday night, for example. I asked B to stay up with the baby because Friday was my first day at my new job, and I wanted to be well-rested. I woke up at 4:00 to crying from downstairs because the boys never made it from the living room to their respective bedrooms. Rather than bringing the baby upstairs when he fell asleep, B put him in his bouncy seat and let him sleep there. How is the kid ever going to learn to sleep in his crib if he's not put in his crib to sleep? In the same vein, B tends to sit in the living room with the TV and lamp on (it's on low, but on nonetheless) when he's trying to get Will to sleep. I get that sitting in the dark nursery with no entertainment but a lullaby CD is boring, but the less stimulation for the baby, the better, right?

I hate to criticize because B's not really doing anything wrong, he's just not doing things my way (which inherently makes it wrong, right? Heh). I don't want to stifle his daddy-ing, but I want my kid to learn how to sleep. I'm pretty sure his intentions are good, but the results are frustrating as hell for me. I feel like we've talked about this stuff before, but it just goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe I'm not clear enough with my expectations. Or maybe B's just a dumb ass sometimes. Who knows.

I really, really hope Will figures out the sleeping thing and the schedule stuff sometime soon. That way, when people who had babies five days before I did tell me their kids started sleeping through the night this past week, I don't wish them all ill and want to punch them in their throats (What can I say? Sleep deprivation makes me violent). Not that this happened to me when I got my brows waxed the other day, or anything.

If any of you have any suggestions on how to get him on a schedule (or at least make bedtime bedtime, not fight-for-hours-to-get-the-kid-to-go-to-sleep time), please, for the love of all that is holy, give them to me. This includes you, lurkers. I know you're out there reading, so go ahead and leave some comments. I won't bite, I promise. Unless you're into that.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Diapers and beer

That's what I bought at the grocery store tonight. I got a very strange look from the cashier. Hey, baby's gotta have somewhere to pee when he gets done boozing.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

2008

I saw this in another blog, and thought it was a neat idea. Plus, it's a quick and easy way to review the year, and I'm all about quick and easy these days.

List the first sentence of the first post of each month of the past year.

January: [Sorry, no blog yet].
February: Welcome to my blog.
March: B has an odd sense of humor.
April: Never in my pre-pregnancy life was I ever so obsessed with food as I am right now (well, maybe during one diet in undergrad, but I digress...).
May: Man, I really need to stay on top of this thing.
June: When I tell people that we're not planning on finding out what flavor baby we're having, I get a combination of shocked and disappointed reactions.
July: Dear Maternity Clothing Retailers,
August: Even if you, like me, have never seen the movie Alien, I'm sure you've seen the scene where the alien baby bursts out of the guy's stomach.
September: This was a busy weekend, and I'm still exhausted.
October: That is exactly how much longer I absolutely must stay pregnant (for insurance purposes).
November: BOY!!!
December: If you're doing everything wrong for your kid and if he'll grow up to be a serial killer because of it?

Hmm...that turned out to be much less informative than I thought it would be...Suffice it to say that 2008 was a big year for us. Some good stuff happened, and so did a lot of bad. I'm not sad to see 2008 go, and I'm hoping 2009 brings us better things.

Happy New Year, everyone!