Thursday, March 19, 2009

Before and after

Before I was a mom...I was well rested. I was intelligent and fairly competent at my job. I have a memory like a steel trap. I weighed about 20 pounds more than I do now. I was mentally stable(-ish). I had free time. I had (some) disposable income. My house was reasonably clean the majority of the time. I showered, ate breakfast, and relaxed without interruption. Bodily fluids were never a concern. I could happily cuddle babies knowing that I could give them back. I didn't have any baby love in my life. I had sex.

After I became a mom...I'm constantly exhausted and unable to sleep more than three or four hours at a time. I've become an incompetent moron. I can't remember anything. I'm getting much closer to my goal weight. I'm mentally unbalanced to the point of needing to be medicated. Every spare minute is taken up by a screaming baby. All my money goes to diapers and formula. I live in a sty and can't find the time or the free hands to clean. I shower at warp speed, don't eat breakfast, and don't usually get more than a few minutes to myself before someone is demanding my attention. There's rarely a day when I'm not covered in someone else's pee, poop, puke, and/or drool. I'm the sucker who has to take the baby home at the end of the night. I get a healthy dose of gummy baby smiles, sweet baby giggles, and cuddly baby snuggles on a (mostly) daily basis. Sex? What's that?

No real point to this post, I suppose. I was just thinking about how different my life is now, and I'm still not sure it's changed for the better. The best thing I've gotten out of this ordeal has been some serious weight loss (now let's hope I don't gain it back when I quit nursing). I struggle with motherhood on a daily basis, and no amount of melt-my-heart smiles, giggles, and hugs can truly make it better. I still hold out hope that I can make the adjustments that need to be made, but it's hard, and very slow going. Anyone who's reading that loves motherhood needs to say a special thank you to the Big Guy upstairs have no idea how much better and easier it makes the motherhood journey.

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