Sunday, December 28, 2008

Guess the stats

Will's two month check up is tomorrow. Let's play "guess the stats"!* Closest guess wins my undying adoration. Price is Right rules apply.
*For those keeping track, I'm being completely facetious with this post. But, for the record, I'm guessing 24 inches and 10 pounds, 9 ounces. :-)

Two months

Dear William,

Congratulations! You've survived your first two months on this planet. Way to go! This is really quite a feat, considering that there were some days when the only reason you survived was my very strong personal commitment to keeping myself out of prison.

To commemorate your first 60 days, I thought I would give you a short performance review, you know, to make sure we're all on the same page around here.

From what I've seen so far, your strengths are screaming, projectile vomiting, dirtying your diapers just moments after they've been changed, snuggling when you're tired, eating (I swear you act like a starving man at a buffet every time I whip out a boob), sleeping during the day, giving adorable baby smiles, and putting on an incredible good baby act whenever you're around people other than Mommy and Daddy.

Areas that could use some improvement include personal hygiene (no one wants to be friends with someone who constantly poops, pees, and pukes all over himself), pacifier retention (Mommy can't go back to sleep when she has to get up to shove your pacifier back in your mouth every two minutes), sleeping at nighttime (when it's dark, you sleep. It's not a difficult concept, really), and nursing technique (you're good at eating, but the method by which you get your food is still awfully ouchie for Mommy).

Overall, we're fairly pleased with your performance so far. We don't really have much of a choice, do we? It's too late to return you. And, besides, I think I lost the receipt.

Keep up the good work, kiddo.

Love,

Mommy


Now, to the adults in the room, my thoughts on my first two months of motherhood. So far, it kinda sucks. These have been the hardest, least rewarding two months of my life (and it's only gotten harder since I went back to work and lost the ability to nap during the day). I cannot believe how many times this little, tiny thing has been able to push me to the edge. I haven't gone over yet, but I've come close. For example, on Christmas night, the one time a year I get to see my extended family, Will woke up screaming to be fed right as dinner was being served. This left me with two options: 1). go feed him and miss dinner, or 2). try to soothe him into waiting for food and miss dinner while I settle him down. So, I missed dinner. This was just one of the many times I've sat and cried because of this kid. There are times when it feels like his whole purpose is ruining my life. And yet...

And yet he somehow manages to redeem himself. I don't know what he does or how he does it, but after one of those days when I wish I would have left him in a dumpster, he somehow manages to make me like him again. I think it usually has to do with me getting a decent amount of sleep. I think he intuitively knows when I'm thisclose to drop kicking him out the window, so he decides to sleep well that night. I'm always in a better mood after a good night's sleep. I'm not sure this survival technique will work forever, but it seems to work for him for now. I would really prefer that he not push me to the brink of mental collapse, but if he can't stop doing that, I hope he continues to know how to pull me back.

So far, I'm not entirely sure whether or not I like being a mom. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I'm definitely not completely head over heels in love with my baby, which feels very, very wrong. I love him, and there are moments when that love feels overwhelming, but there are other, more frequent, moments when it doesn't. Lots of people told me whole "crazy about your kid" thing doesn't happen right away, but I thought it would have kicked in by now. I hope it does soon.

I also feel like I'm having more parenting failures than successes at this point. Then I wonder, short of shaking, how can you fail at parenting a baby who's so young? I don't really know, but I feel like I'm doing it.

My hope for future months is that I get over my ambivalence toward motherhood. B loves being a dad. I want to love being a mom that much. When people ask me questions like, "Don't you just love being a mommy?" and "Isn't having a baby wonderful?" I want to be able to respond "Yes!" without mentally cringing while doing my best to ensure the asker can't tell I'm lying to them.

Will is two months old today, and quite possibly the cutest kid out there.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Happy birthday to me

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 26 now. Once upon a time, I would have been excited by my birthday. With my birthday being so close to Christmas, my mom always went out of her way to make sure my birthday was super special. It was great of her, but it sorta turned me into a birthday brat. I always expect something super fun and special, and get slightly disappointed the years that fun doesn't materialize (like on my 21st birthday...that was a disaster). Last year, I had a bit of a crisis about turning 25. I don't know what it was, but something about my last birthday really got to me, and managed to destroy the birthday magic. Now, December 20 is just the day I have to get to the BMV and renew my car registration. That sorta makes me sad, but I suppose its time has come.

I'm off to enjoy the last year of my mid-twenties. Only four more years until I'm officially old.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Mothering fail

My baby is spitting up blood, is three pounds underweight, and is constantly fussing and in pain. And it's all because of my breasts and breast milk.

My mothering? Massive FAIL.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Why today is going to suck

Let me count the ways...

1. I'm going back to work today. It's not the going back that'll be too bad. I'm actually looking forward to some time away from the munchkin (I'm a horrible mother). It's where I'm going back to. Only three more weeks...

2. I only got 3.5 hours of sleep last night. And it shows.

3. There is no hope of a nap in my future.

4. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to pump enough milk to feed my son.

5. I gained weight this week. This is probably due to the copious amounts of Christmas cookies I consumed this weekend, but still.

6. My pants are now too big. I'm going to be hiking them up all day.

7. The weather blows. It's warm and rainy right now, but the temperature is supposed to drop 20 degrees by lunchtime. So it'll be cold and icy. Fun.

8. I'm wearing a thong for the first time in almost 10 months today.

Happy freaking Monday.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I wish this were a fairy tale

Once upon a time, a beautiful princess, her prince charming, and their evil baby went to a Christmas party. It was supposed to be a fun night of good food, good friends, and good cookies, but the evil baby ruined it. Rather than being cute and charming, like he and the princess discussed before they left for the party, the evil baby cried. And cried, and cried, and cried. The princess tried to enjoy herself anyway, but it was difficult for her to mingle and carry on conversations with a screaming baby in her arms. Even when someone else took the evil baby for her, his incessant crying distracted her to no end.

Eventually, the princess gave up. She decided it was time to leave, so her friends wouldn't have to endure the evil baby's crying anymore. She found her prince, gathered their things, and loaded up the evil baby for the ride back to their castle. He cried all the way home. So did I. I mean, "she". So did she.

The end.

Ho Ho Ho

A couple of week ago, my mom decided to kidnap my child and take him to get his picture taken with Santa. Here are the results.


Will and the chintzy rent-a-Santa. He doesn't look super thrilled to be there, but at least he wasn't screaming (which is what he did at the photo studio this week when we attempted to get some pics to give away as Christmas presents. *Sigh*). I can't wait until he get the whole smiling thing down well and can give us some smiles for pictures. Hell, I'd settle for a smile when he sees me, you know, to prove he at least likes me. Mommy needs some validation.

Will and his cousin. My mom wanted both of her grandbabies (in their matching Christmas PJs, no less) in one picture. My kid looks so bored.

Merry Christmas to all.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The pacifier: A lesson for my son

This is a pacifier.
This is also a pacifier.
These are pacifiers.

These are pacifiers, too.

These are not pacifiers.

The sooner you learn this little lesson, wee man, the better off we're all going to be.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Whoever said

"Having babies is worth it" is a big, fat liar.

That is all.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Scientific advances that must be made before I agree to get pregnant again

There are only two.

1. External uterus. That way, I can conceive the baby, put it in the uterus, stick it on a shelf somewhere, and go back to retrieve the kid nine months later. I'd get all the benefits of babymaking with none of the nasty pregnancy stuff.

2. Some method of getting breast milk from my boob to my baby, via a bottle, without the use of the kid's mouth or a pump. I figure this has to be possible somehow. My poor nipples just can't handle breastfeeding (which is partly the baby's fault because he's "lazy", according to the lactation consultant), and I really hate doing it. Pumping is just as bad. So, no more babies until science can provide me a way of getting the kid the benefits of breastfeeding without destroying my nipples.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Do you ever wonder...

If you're doing everything wrong for your kid and if he'll grow up to be a serial killer because of it? Because I do.