Sunday, October 26, 2008

The last belly pic?

Could be. I go to the doc at 2:00 today to see if my blood pressure is still high enough that she wants to induce me. So, this just may be the last time you see me pregnant. On the one hand, I'm kinda hoping it isn't (I still really don't want to be induced), but on the other, I'm so fucking ready to not be pregnant any more, it isn't even funny. However, even if I'm not induced tomorrow, I may not post any more pics. I just look so nasty!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Not the post I wanted to write

Today, I was planning on posting some nursery pics and telling you all about the new camera my wonderful father-in-law bought us. Instead, you get to hear about my crappy doctor's appointment from yesterday and learn why I'm freaking the fuck out right now.

Yesterday morning, I arrived at my appointment, and was pleasantly surprised to find B in the medical building's parking lot. He has training for work this week, so he wasn't planning on coming. Apparently his instructor is clairvoyant or something, though, because the instructor asked him if I had a doctor's appointment that morning, and then told him to get his ass over there (school and the doctor's office are only a couple of miles apart). B didn't even have to make up the time. Awesome.

Everything started out fine, but my blood pressure was up. I don't remember the exact numbers, but both the top and bottom numbers had jumped at least 20 points since my appointment two weeks ago. It seems to me that I've had higher BP readings once or twice, but I could be remembering wrong. When the doc came in, she said something like "Let's talk about getting that baby out some time next week." I thought she was joking (you know, like, "haha, you're hugely pregnant and uncomfortable, I bet you want that kid out now" stuff), so I told her I had already decided I was having the baby on November 1, and she should keep that day open. She looked kinda confused and said she really didn't think it should wait that long. That made me realize she was serious.

Apparently, the high BP readings (she checked me a couple of times during my appointment) have her concerned. I have to go back on Monday for another check, and if my BP is still high, I'm getting sent over to the hospital to be induced. This is bad for several reasons. 1). In two weeks, I made almost no progress (I dilated another half a centimeter and got a little softer), which makes me think this baby and my body are not ready for the baby to be born yet. 2). I do NOT want to be induced. I know too many women who have had bad experiences with inductions. 3). I just KNOW that I'm going to end up with a c-section if I'm induced. I knew it as soon as the doctor said she wanted to induce me. And I do NOT want a c-section, especially if it comes after hours and hours of fruitless labor. 4). I really wanted to do this with as few interventions as possible (I'm not talking anything crazy, but no IV, no epidural, etc.). All that medical stuff being done to me skeeves me out. I don't want my birth experience to be like that unless I choose it. 5). I really do NOT want a spinal. If I have to have a c-section, I'm probably going to have to get a spinal. I dread that more than I do an epidural. And 6). Um, I don't get my short term disability insurance payments if the baby is born before November. And a few extra paychecks definitely wouldn't hurt us right now.

So now, I'm freaking out. Like crazy. There is so much I need to take care of before I can have this baby (hello, I don't even have my hospital bag packed yet!), and I can't do any of it because I've put myself on bed rest to hopefully get my BP down before Monday. Plus, I'm supposed to have at least another week and a half to prepare myself for all this. I had to rush into work yesterday afternoon to try to get everything there wrapped up in case I'm induced on Monday. I'm really hoping the BP spike can be attributed to a week of not watching my diet as carefully as I should have and doing a lot of stuff that kept me off the couch. I'm also hoping that four days of doing nothing but laying on the couch (unless I'm peeing or showering) will get me back into the safe range before 2:00 PM on Monday.

Everyone do me a favor and send some low blood pressure thoughts my way. Pretty, pretty please?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A new belly pic

It's been awhile since since I've had a belly pic, due to lack of a working camera (it's been so long, in fact, that I forgot which way I usually stand for them and got it backwards this time). My mom left us hers to use when the baby's born, so here I am at 37 weeks, 5 days.

Gross, right? I just keep telling myself that I'll only have this for two(-ish) more weeks. Then I'll just have nasty flab instead of nasty hardness. Blech.

P.S. The anniversay champagne was just as fabulous as I was hoping it would be.

OMG, he was being NICE!

Remember about a month ago when I posted about a fun little conversation B and I had regarding the *ahem* changing geography of my southern regions? Well, even though I thought he was being a complete a-hole, turns out he was actually being rather diplomatic about the state of the greens.

In honor of our anniversary, I decided to pay a bit more attention to my personal grooming than I have been. Rather than using my regular shaving tactic (blindly hack away until it sorta feels like things are tamed), I thought I would try actually paying attention to what I was doing down there, which requires a mirror nowadays. So, I do my thing, and bust out the mirror to check and refine the end results. Bad. Idea. OMG. If that's the pre-delivery carnage, I'm now officially terrified of what it's going to look like post-delivery. *Shudder* For my own sanity, I think I'm done trying to get a "good" shave, and going back to blindly hacking away.

Happiest girl in the whole USA

Why is that, you ask. Because two years ago today, this is what I was doing:

It was a good day.

So, today B and I celebrate two years of wedded bliss. The past two years have been tough for us; they've put a lot of stress on each of us individually and as a couple, but we've been blessed with a relationship that just keeps getting stronger despite everything.

We don't really have any big plans for the day. I'm working, B's at union school, I have an "appointment" (which I'm really hoping goes well...I need this), and we're planning on going out to dinner. It should be a nice, quiet evening (probably our last nice, quiet anniversary ever). Oh! And we're having champagne! I'm so excited for my half glass of champagne, it's almost obscene. I've been looking forward to this for weeks. In fact, it just might be the highlight of our anniversary for me (we aren't getting each other presents, so I don't have anything else to really look forward to tonight). Do you see what pregnancy has done to me?

Monday, October 20, 2008

She says it so much better than I do

I've been reading another pregnancy blog for awhile, and every so often, I find myself thinking, "Wow. That's exactly how I feel about [insert random pregnancy subject here]. I wish I could get it from my brain to the computer as clearly and eloquently."

Today's post was one of those occasions. I think the obscenity part applies to B a little more than it does to me (he spent the first couple of months feeling guilty about getting me pregnant), but I generally think her explanation of her lack of glowiness applies pretty well to me, too. So, rather than trying to actually use my words to explain my feelings, I'll just direct you to someone else's words. It's easier for my baby-addled brain that way.

Friday, October 17, 2008

My first impulse purchase

I made my first baby impulse buy the other night. I went to BRU to pick up the last few baby things we need, and the bastards just had to put a rack of adorable baby Christmas clothes right in front of the only open checkout lane. So, of course, I had to stop and look. And then I had just had to buy something. The stuff was just too cute!

See, I told you the stuff was cute!

I really wanted to get the onesie they had on display, but they didn't have any red pants in 0-3, and baby's little legs would freeze off. So, I got the sleeper. And the bib because I couldn't resist. I almost bought the adorable little reindeer hat, too, but I stopped myself. Though I'm seriously considering taking the sleeper back so I can buy the hat, and then just putting the hat and bib on over a white onesie. I'm such a freak show. I'm justifying it by claiming that I need to have an outfit for Christmas card pictures pretty soon after the baby's born. Yeah, we're going to go with that.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Baby's ass + my ribs =

UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! I can't take the abuse any more! My ribs hurt. My liver hurts. My stomach hurts. My belly hurts. My feet hurt. My back hurts. Breathing hurts. Moving hurts. Sitting hurts. Laying down isn't too bad...for the first five minutes. I'm tired. I look like a whale, and I'm getting fatter by the minute. None of my clothes fit any more (I literally have three shirts that are both work appropriate and fit me...luckily, I'm only at the office twice a week right now), and I refuse to buy any more. I pant like a chain smoking St. Bernard after every nighttime trek from our upstairs bedroom to our downstairs bathroom. My husband is so terrified of sending me into labor that he won't touch me. He also seems to have reached his tolerance limit for obnoxious-pregnant-lady-ness (which I seem to have a bad case of lately). Another three to five weeks of this is going to kill me. Literally kill me. And possibly result in a divorce. Good thing I just made up a will and am friends with a few good divorce attorneys.

Tell me it's worth it all you want. I don't believe it. At all. Nothing can possibly be worth the hell that is pregnancy. I'm never doing this again. Never, ever, ever. If B wants any more kids, he can have them himself. This is bullshit. Bullshit, I tell you! I mean, how would the baby feel if I shoved my ass into its ribs and squirmed around for three months straight? It makes me a little bitter to know that I'll never be able to get proper revenge for all the pain this thing has already inflicted and is getting ready to inflict on me. Blah.

Friday, October 10, 2008

"It's the very last month you will be married without children!"

That's a line from an e-mail a friend sent me today. She meant it in an exciting, "yay for baby" way. So why does it sound like a death sentence to me?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I feel violated

I had my 36 week appointment today. Along with that came my first internal. While I was excited to find out if I was making any progress, I wasn't all that excited about being probed. Turns out that lack of excitement was well justified. Internals frickin' hurt! I wasn't ready for that at all. I also wasn't expecting the Group B Strep swab this week. I felt all violated when everything was said and done.

The good news is that I'm 1 cm dilated and still a bit thick, but it's starting to thin out, which the doc says is pretty good for 36 weeks. She also said my cervix is a little bit behind the baby's head, which isn't normal, I guess, but she's not worried about that at this point.

I figured I would be going every week from now on, but apparently the doc is going to be on Sanibel Island next week, so I've got two more weeks. It seems really strange that my next appointment isn't until 38 weeks.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Gift giving challenge

A friend of mine blogged about this challenge the other day. In brief, you're supposed to give away one thing (a gift, some time, whatever) a day for 29 days with the hope of bringing your friends/your family/complete strangers a smile and yourself some good karma. I have a lot of people in my life who could use a little extra love, and I could certainly use some good in my own life right now, so I'm going to give it a try. While I'm committing myself to the challenge, I can't promise I'll make it through all 29 days without skipping a few (hello, I have a baby due in 28 days!), but I'm going to try my hardest. Starting tomorrow, let the giving begin.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Mom things I will never do

I'm 99% sure I'll never do the following "mom things" because I've become fairly certain I don't have a maternal gene in my body. These are the kinds of things I roll my eyes at and secretly think moms are crazy for doing. And the sad thing is, I'm pretty sure they're all fairly normal.
*A note to my mom friends* Don't be offended if you read something you've done on here. I don't see anything wrong with moms doing these things, I just think I won't.
Here they are, in no particular order:
  • Cry when my kid gets shots (unless they threaten me with the needle).
  • Get upset about leaving the kid with a babysitter for the first time.
  • Freak out about leaving the kid overnight for the first time.
  • Refuse to let anyone other than family/close friends watch the kid.
  • Play "guess baby's stats" with my friends before every doctor's appointment.
  • Constantly worry about the kid getting raped/murdered/kidnapped.
  • Get upset when baby goes from sleeping in our room to sleeping in its own room.
  • Quit my job to be a stay at home mom (not that I wouldn't love to, it just won't happen).
  • Be comfortable staying home with the baby before it can interact with me (I mean, what do you do with a baby that does nothing but lay there? Seems like it'll be like talking to my cat; it won't really accomplish anything, and it'll make me feel slightly awkward and crazy).
  • Worry about SIDS or other random things killing my baby.

I suppose that's it for right now. There are more, but I can't come up with them at the moment. And people wonder why I'm going to be a bad mother...

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Wish he would have consulted me about this decision...

Well, look what my insomnia gets you! Two posts in an hour! Lucky you.

First, some background: on Wednesday, I started having some possible contractions (they may have just been Braxton Hicks, but they felt different). I called the doctor's office (after some forcing, er, encouragement from a friend and my mom), and was told no big deal unless they were happening more than four or five times an hour. Later than evening, they were happening a lot. Like five or six in a 2o minute period. I call the doc again, and she told me it was probably nothing, but I could go to the hospital if I wanted to. I didn't. Instead, I decided to self treat by drinking an ass load of water and laying down. That seemed to work pretty well. I'm pretty sure I was just dehydrated, so I've been trying to stay on top of my water consumption better. I've had a few contractions a day since then, but nothing major.

On Friday night, B talked to his dad on the phone. Afterward, B told me his dad had said something about me going into labor early, after which B told him that we weren't doing ANYTHING that might bring on labor. Apparently his dad made some kind of comment referring to exactly what we shouldn't be doing if we're trying to avoid labor (eeeeewwwww!), and B assured FIL that he knew all about what to be avoiding (double eeeeeewwwwwwww!). I just kind of looked at B when he got done recounting his phone convo, and asked him if that meant he wasn't going to have sex with me at all until after I have the baby. He kind of shrugged it off and mumbled something about maybe after November 1 before changing the subject. This disturbed me a bit, but I let it go.

THEN, yesterday, we went to B's college's homecoming where we saw a bunch of his old friends and fraternity brothers. I was mingling, and when I wandered my way back to him, I catch the end of a similar conversation between him and a couple of friends. What should bother me about this is that he was have a conversation about our sex life with his friends, albeit in a roundabout way. However, these friends are single guys without children, and I'm thinking they may not really have understood the implication of the word "anything", so I'm not all that bothered by it. What actually bothers me is that B seems to have decided that there will be no more lovin' between now and November 1 (when it's insurance-ly acceptable for me to have the baby) without consulting me. Granted, I probably won't really want it at all between now and then, but I'd still like to have the option. Alternatively, I would have preferred that he consult me when making such a decision about our sex life.

I personally see no need to take things where B thinks they need to go. The contractions were a fluke (a non-sex-caused fluke, might I add) and probably weren't even real contractions. My doc hasn't put me on pelvic rest or in any way said no nookie. There is no need for no sex. Honestly, having the baby in November would be better for us financially, but it's in no way absolutely necessary, and an October baby wouldn't be the end of the world. Besides, the baby hasn't come anywhere close to dropping (if you don't believe me, ask my ribs and lungs), and I haven't had any other labor signs. Add my incredibly bad luck on top of that, and I can almost guarantee you I'll be close to two weeks overdue, no matter how much or how little sex we have between now and then.

Basically, B's freaked out and has decided to try to control the situation by not giving it up. I never should have told him that sex can sometimes help bring on labor. If only three month pregnant Emily knew what eight month pregnant Emily knows now. Seriously, this is a guy who can't remember anything I ask him to do for more than about three minutes, but he's managed to hold on to the sex and labor tidbit for months. How does that work? Oh, wait. I know. It's all part of my bad luck, I'm sure.

Insomnia has made me its bitch

It's now 6:00 AM on Sunday morning. I've been awake since 4:00 AM. I fell asleep at midnight. I should not be awake right now. I'm tired and grumpy and there is nothing on TV. Third tri insomnia sucks. I just want to sleep. I've mostly been having trouble falling asleep (I'll go to bed around 11:00 and lie in bed awake until 1:00 or 2:00), but occasionally, like today, I won't be able to get back to sleep after a trip to the bathroom. It sucks.

Insomnia especially sucks when my husband is lying next to me in bed sound asleep and blissfully unaware of my wide awake state. Sometimes, like today, I just want to punch him in the back of his heavy-breathing head so he has to be awake with me. If I can't sleep, why should he? Of course, I've felt that way about a lot of pregnancy-related things, but it hasn't worked for stuff like drinking, enjoying caffeine, or eating lunch meat, so why would sleep be any different? I take a small, sick measure of comfort in knowing that once the baby's born, his sleep deprivation will probably be worse than mine because he'll be going back to work after only a week or so, and will have to deal with the nighttime crying without the benefit of the daytime naps I'm hoping to get. Is that wrong? Probably. And you know what? I don't really care. Maybe if you catch me after a full night of actual sleep, I'll be a bit more sympathetic toward him.

Friday, October 3, 2008

I've changed my mind

I can't do this. I've changed my mind and want to send the baby back. I have to get this thing out of me sometime soon, and I don't want to. None of the available removal options are all that appealing. However, I also don't want to keep it in me. At all. I'd just like to return it, please...take back the last eight months and let me start over.

I'm pretty convinced that I can't handle or survive labor. I want to do it drug free, if possible, mostly because the thought of having a gigantic needle shoved into my spine makes me want to hurl (good reasoning, right?). The more I think about it, though, the worse that idea seems. Why suffer if I don't have to? However, I know people who've had really bad epidural experiences, and I don't want to risk that, either. The c-section option has no appeal for me, either. Though it would leave the girly bits in tact (bonus), I don't really want my stomach sliced open. Major surgery isn't my thing. Besides that, I don't think B could handle it (refer to the Alien post). I choose the option that just magically and painlessly makes the baby appear without any bodily harm to me. Please?

I also don't think I'm going to be a very good mom. I hear moms talk about how much love they feel for their babies, how they cry when their babies get shots, etc., and I just can't imagine myself ever being one of those women. I've gotten to a point where I finally feel something like affection for the baby, and I even almost kind of like it, but it's never gotten more intense than that. Which I think is so effing weird. I'm just really thinking someone made a mistake by letting me get pregnant in the first place, and I'm terrified of what the results are going to be. This kid is so screwed, which isn't fair. It should have to pay for my inadequacies.

I told you, I can't handle any of this, and I want to send it back. I'm such a horrible mother...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

One month.

That is exactly how much longer I absolutely must stay pregnant (for insurance purposes). I'm at full term in two weeks, due in five weeks, and at the absolute end in seven weeks. I. Can. NOT. Fucking. Wait.