Men, the following is a dialogue that should never, ever occur between you and your pregnant wife.
The scene: a husband and wife are lying in bed after doing the deed.
Husband (tentatively): You know, honey, I think things are...changing...down there.
Wife (confused): What? What do you mean "changing"?
Husband (realizing he probably should have kept his damn mouth shut): I dunno...it's just...different.
Wife (defensively): Different how?
Husband (knowing he's going to get himself in trouble): Well, it kinda feels weird, and looks...puffier...
Wife (annoyed): Seriously?
Wife gets up, puts on clothes, and ends husband's access privileges for the foreseeable future.
End scene.
And, guys, in case it's not entirely clear exactly why you should never have this conversation with your wife, I'll explain. Pregnancy causes all kinds of body image issues. There is absolutely no need to add to those issues by making your wife hate her girly bits. She'll be doing enough of that post-baby (assuming no c-section, of course). You're supposed to be making her feel as pretty as possible right now. I understand that's no easy task when she looks like a small barge and feels like a whale, but you should really try. Telling her that her hoo-ha is "puffy" and feels "weird" does not accomplish that task. It's an especially bad idea to do so when she asks for a back rub because her back is killing her, but ends up having sex with you instead (and never gets that back rub).
So, to review, never, no matter what, tell your 34 or so week pregnant wife that her bajingo is "different". In fact, you should probably keep any thoughts you might have on the state of her vajayjay to yourself, at least for right now. Because, just when she thinks there's no way she could possibly hate her pregnant body even more, you pull that little gem out of left field and make her body hate rise to a never before contemplated level. Just consider this a friendly little public service announcement. And be thankful that you weren't the husband dumb enough to inspire this post.
2 comments:
Oh B, you poor dumb boy. Do they never ever learn? Don't write him off too soon Em, you'll be needing his ummm man stuff soon to start labor.
Not much longer now.
And at least you don't have Brittany's frankenstein vajayjay. He he he!! Hang in there. And if worse comes to worst, you can always say, "ummm your penis feels oddly smaller lately."
Yeah, puffy is still way better than Frankenstein.
I'll punch B for you.
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