For the past few weeks, I've been doing really well with the whole pregnancy thing. I was ok with the whole thing, I wasn't resenting the baby's existence, and I was actually starting to get a little - dare I say it - excited about having a baby. I haven't felt that way since about 8 weeks, if that tells you anything. All my progress came a screeching halt yesterday afternoon. It all started when I got pissed at the baby for not cooperating at the ultrasound. I know it's absolutely ridiculous, but in my mind, beyond making sure the baby is healthy (which is obviously the only real reason for getting an ultrasound), the point of an ultrasound is to get some cute pictures of the baby to take home with you. I won't even try to justify being upset about it because I know there is no justifying it. However, it's how I feel, and I'm honestly still a little pissed.
Things got worse while we were shopping. Normally, I love shopping, and retail therapy is one of my favorite things. However, when I'm shopping for stuff I do not want and stuff that is ugly, expensive, and makes me look like a cow, it's not nearly as enjoyable. In fact, it took all my strength not to break down in tears in the dressing room. To try to put it in terms someone who's never been there can understand, this was worse than bathing suit shopping on a fat day while you're PMSing. I vowed yesterday that unless I am in the process of incubating a child, I will never, ever, ever wear anything empire-waisted ever, ever again. Ever.
Also, somewhere along the line yesterday, I managed to do something to piss B off, and him being mad at me made me feel even worse about myself.
So, that brings me to today, when I'm feeling pretty close to as low as I've gotten throughout this pregnancy. I'm struggling today. I hate that such little things have the ability to send me spinning out of control this way. To name just a few of today's issues, I resent the baby's existence, I feel and look disgustingly fat, and I'm more terrified of what this kid is going to do to my social life and my relationship with B than I am of being responsible for a little human being. And my feet are really swollen. Again. I also feel like I'm the only woman on the planet over the age of high school student who feels like this, and it feels really, really lonely.